Tuesday, March 2, 2010

I'm having a hard time

There appears to be no light at the end of the tunnel because there is no end to the damn tunnel itself. I am having symptoms of lymphedema and will be seeing the physical therapist on Wednesday. This is devastating to me. I can’t seem to catch a break.

I’ve postponed posting about this because when things are at their worst it’s sometimes hard for me to blog or even to socialize in person. In a strange way I feel like I’m letting people down by being so negative, so defeatist. But perhaps that’s not being fair to both myself and those who care about me, which is why I’m throwing this out there.

So, there you have it – I am neither strong nor positive at the moment. I feel panicked and scared and depressed beyond belief. I don’t want anything else to deal with, I feel like lymphedema is just too much for me on top of all I have endured.

I try to remind myself that there are those in the breast cancer community that have fared far worse than I, women that would envy my situation in general. I’ve read heartbreaking blogs during my journey written by women that, like me, were hopeful they would do their time in treatment and then move on…women who sadly aren’t here anymore. I’m still here. My kids still have their mother. I still have a chance to live. That is what I try to hold on to and most of the time I can. But right now I am having a really hard time.

Thanks for reading…till next time.

15 comments:

EvaNadine said...

i am so sorry to hear about everything you are going through.
you are more than entitled to feel however it is your situation makes you feel. no one can be positive all the time, especially when facing such adversity.
just know that there are people who love you and are thinking about you.
*sending positive thoughts, prayers, and vibes your way*

notSupermum said...

Goodness me, you are going through such a wretched time. You don't need to justify why you are feeling the way you do, you are entitled to feel that way.

I wish I could help in some way, but other than sitting here and willing you to keep going I feel quite helpless. Take care K, you have been through so much already. x

tippchic said...

you're not letting anyone down- you are telling the truth- and you may feel better for letting it out and allowing people to offer some of their strength when you need it. You have been through so much and you are doing so well. I am thinking of you and wishing you well- even more so now. Maureen

Alison said...

Kayleigh, you've hit a rough patch. Please know that you are loved and thought about everyday by many people. Hang in there, you can get through this!

PamelaTrounstine said...

I'm so sorry babe. Having experienced similar swelling this summer, it's beyond uncomfortable.

I hope they are treating you with a pump and stockings at the very least. As difficult as they are to get on, the stockings have lowered my pain level more than anything else too.

La Belette Rouge said...

Oh, sweet you! Please don't feel pressure to feel positive, strong or anything. Please know that we are here for you and that anything you have to say is okay.

I am so sorry things are so damn hard. I wish with all my heart I could do anything to make your load lighter.

I send love, hugs and hope.
xoxo

Teri S. said...

No one can be positive all the time - that's just not natural. I think using your blog to talk about the good and the bad is healing for you AND your readers. No one expects you to be HAPPY about what you are going through.. Just be you, be honest, and share.. even if it's not all butterflies and rainbows.

Thinking of you!

Sheila said...

Showing us your vulnerability lets us feel like we can help - and it's such a helpless feeling not being able to give you a hug or do anything other than write words to you - that we can make your day a bit better, just by being here.

Sorry it's not going well, and that you're feeling blue, sweet Kayleigh. Sending you visions of yellow daffodils, the scent of pink cherry blossoms and sun-warmed earth. Good vibes, as always, hon.

Hug,
Sheila

Peaceful Lotus said...

You are allowed to feel whatever you feel. There is no letting anyone down. No one has expectations of you, nor should you. You have never done this before. You are allowed to make up the rules as you go.

Having an illness is challenging. All you can do is pick yourself up and keep going. Keep going, Hang in there. Only you know how what you have endured. Only you can continue. Sending you love.

Hastyfar

WhiteStone said...

I found your blog by hopping over from someone else's. Mine is ovarian but I hope you won't mind my following along on your walk. I, too, am now going through a second round and hoping for good results. Losing the hair again, though, which makes my hubby wince almost as much as it does me. So far, no neuropathy, even tho my drug is similar to the one you are using. Sending hugs and good wishes and prayers as well.

Brenda said...

Remember too that your body is very depleted by the chemo, so you don't have a lot of energy to feel much but the desire to just get through each day. Once you finish chemo, you should start feeling strong again.

Let us know how you are doing when you feel up to it again.

Rebecca said...

Thinking of you daily. Sending all of our VB love.

Enci said...

I like honesty- sometimes I hide out because I am in pain and I don't want to burden people with my pain. And I feel like I have to be this strong woman overcoming my situation. Which leaves me feeling isolated and like a failure, because I can;t say that five years of pain have not gutted my life and changed me in ways I never wanted to be changed. So tell the truth. Let us know how you really feel. So that we can have the chance to comfort you and tell you we understand.

Jennifer said...

Do not apologize for your feelings since they are yours and yours alone.

My heart breaks when I read of another hurdle in your path but as you said your kids still have their mother and that is something to celebrate everyday.

This journey will continue with your friends, family, and readers helping you along by sending positive, healthy energy your way. Spring is coming so we all have to get outside and make some noise together!

Nishant said...

Sorry it's not going well, and that you're feeling blue, sweet Kayleigh. Sending you visions of yellow daffodils, the scent of pink cherry blossoms and sun-warmed earth. Good vibes, as always, hon.

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