six words: more beautiful

 

6 simple ways to look great :

 

1.      Cut your hair.  Seriously – do it.  The best way to look infinitely better overnight is to have a great hairstyle.  No matter how chic the outfit...no matter how much you are rocking the body you are in (and every body can be totally rocked)... if your crowning glory is just hanging there like a blanket around your face, well, it’s NOT so glorious.  And you deserve to be glorious.  Instead of assessing your hairstyle close-up in the mirror, take a few steps back...check out your complete silhouette to see if your hair is accentuating your entire image or just sort of dragging you down.  Find yourself a good stylist and go for it! 

 

2.      Stand up straight.  For real, this will make your body look waaaay better; your clothes will fit nicer and it will even take years off you -- both visually and physically.  Good posture uses your muscles properly, keeps your bones and organs optimally aligned, and helps keep aches and pains at bay.  Practice mindfulness to conquer this issue.  Whenever possible imagine a string coming from the top of your head and pulling you upright.  Let everything else fall into its natural place from there...we want you standing tall, not rigid.

 

3.      Accessorize, accessorize, accessorize.  I can’t say this enough...put on any combination of clothes sans jewelry and with few exceptions it just isn’t going to be as interesting.  And adding interest is what creates style...it’s what makes even a plain tee and jeans look polished and put together.  Don’t be afraid of significant pieces, either – and remember that usually it is most flattering if your accessories match your stature.  It’s also a good idea to keep the focus on one area so as not to overwhelm...and since your best bet is to bring attention to your face, you rarely can go wrong with a necklace (or layer 2 or 3)...tho earrings can work too.

 

4.      Change your make-up.  Do you wear a lot?  Try wearing less.  Do you wear hardly any?  Try wearing a little more.  Try a new color, a new application method, a new focal point.  Do you play up your eyes?  Try a more subtle approach on your peepers and play up your lips instead...or visa versa.  Find some new way of using cosmetics to shake things up, even if it’s just a small change.  Tried and true is good...but don’t fall into a rut....experiment once in a while.  Play!  It’s only make-up. 

 

5.      Wear comfortable shoes.  Yeah, I know, those heels make you look sooooo tall, they make you look leaner (unnecessary) and your butt looks good because of how they make you stand.  Or so you think...but do they?  Sure, when you pose in the mirror they might look awesome, but what about when you are walking around in the real world???  Do you have to take silly looking baby steps...are you trying not to grimace in pain...are you oddly tilted, slanting or hunched over trying to balance yourself?  Do you think no one notices this?  Trust me, it’s obvious.  Of course you can wear heels...just be sensible about it, please.  Nothing looks less attractive than a woman wearing unnaturally high shoes and hobbling around.  If you can’t walk a block or even take a natural stride for crying out loud -- ditch the stilettoes and platform pumps.  Get real and get comfy.    

 

6.      Smile...(or at least relax your face).  Have you ever caught yourself in the mirror and wondered why you looked like such a sour puss?  If people are often asking you what’s wrong, it might be that you are looking dour without realizing it.  Go to the mall and people-watch...do you see how many folks look downright unhappy?  (are they?  that's a different post)  Looking more amiable makes you automatically look more attractive.  Mindfulness comes into play here, just like with posture.  Whenever you think of it, try to relax your facial muscles, unpurse your lips, unclench your teeth, and think of something pleasant.  Not only will you look better, but you’ll probably feel better too.  Win/win!  Plus, people might respond to you in a more positive way – yet another bonus. 

 

And speaking of a bonus...here's another six words on the subject: 

 

Remember, beauty is as beauty does.

 

 

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random ootd photo & new hair!

It's summer time and the living is easy.  Let's have a random style related outfit of the day post, shall we?

The big news is (drum roll please):

I got my first hair cut in 4 years!

Yup, that's right, four years ago I got my last cut before chemo. After treatment my hair grew back very slowly, and very differently from how it was.  First it came in tight little curls, then course, wirey waves.  It didn't grow evenly either.  So I simply trimmed my bangs and kept cutting off strange wayward waves until something akin to my previous hair emerged.  It was finally time to get a real grown up hairstyle again.  The result is this simple layered bob.  I like it...though it is a wee bit shorter than anticipated. 

Anyway, I wore this outfit last week when the weather took a cooler turn.  We've been calling this old zebra striped blouse from Kohls my magic top...it seems to go with everything...paired with any color cardigan it works.  It has also fit me at several different weights -- yeah, it really is magic.

The new lightweight cropped cardi is from Target and I'm in love with the orange color.

My dark jeans are Sante Fe bootcut from the Avenue.  The bone colored Dansko Sissy sandals are thrifted and I live in them for the summer...truly the most comfy pair of shoes I own.  I often find them for sale new on eBay and have them in other colors. 

So, there you go, an ootd.  Hope everyone enjoys these early days of summer!

in the eyes of the beholder

Beauty is by nature objective.  And like the old 1970's song says, everyone is beautiful in their own way.  Yet rarely do I ever appreciate my own beauty in the present tense.  Instead I tend to see it most in images from the past.  Whenever I see photos of myself  I think wow, I didn’t realize how nice I looked then.  The mirror of today often tells me a much different story than the lens of yesterday. 

When I created this blog and began posting outfit pix here it was an attempt at self-acceptance.  I was trying to appreciate my inherent beauty...a beauty I believe everyone possesses.  While society often has unrealistic ideals for what is considered attractive, I’m not interested in that.  As a nearly 50 year old woman those impossible standards left me in the dust years ago.  I’m talking about the kind of beauty that is personal.  The kind where you are pleased with the image in the mirror because you look your best and it represents who you are as a whole, real person -- not some narrowed view based on arbitrarily defined criteria meant for a ridiculously select few. 

But lately beautiful is a bit far from how I feel.  When I look in the mirror today I see a woman radically altered.  From a 40+ pound weight gain due to ongoing cancer meds, to a head of hair grown back after chemo that doesn’t feel like my own, not to mention the accelerated progression of aging as a result of treatment -- all have left me feeling a little less than pretty at the moment.  I confess, I’ve been avoiding the mirror, let alone the lens. 

 

I remember feeling this way before.  Sandwiched between my late twenties and thirties I began a weight gain spiral that eventually resulted in "significant obesity."  I disliked my reflection in the mirror then, too.  I don’t even have any pictures of myself from that period, but other people have one or two.  I saw them not long ago and you know what?  Once again, in the rearview mirror of history I could see myself as attractive...I could find plenty to recognize as beautiful.  What a shame I didn’t see it back then.  I would have gained so much from even a little bit more self-esteem. 

Maybe part of how we judge our own appearance should also be relative to our experience, to what is going on in our lives.  For me that means focusing on how I feel, on making  positive strides every day to regain my health.  I want to reclaim wellness post-cancer.  Meanwhile I will try harder to embrace the body I am in right now because it sure has been through a lot and served me pretty well in the process, all things considered. 

So I took these pictures. I posed on my back deck for the first time in years.  I may not immediately love what I see.  It may be obvious how cancer has changed me, and unwanted change is never easy.  But now I will always have these images to look at and remember I was beautiful...I was beautiful today.

 

A day to forget

I’m having a hard time. There’s no way around it. I keep trying to turn the corner but I just can’t seem to do it.

Sometimes it’s the big things, the obvious stuff that would keep anyone up at night…like, will the cancer come back, will I live a natural lifespan? That’s understandable…I can deal with all that long term, I think. But it’s actually the little things that hold me back from moving on…I’m finding the subtle stuff worse. All those countless reminders, the myriad ways that the aftermath of cancer infuses every nuance of my life. That’s what is eating away at me. And not just me.

Daniel has a number of mosquito bites on his leg and he is very upset by them. At first I thought it was the idea of a creature biting him that was the trouble, but he seems more worried about the appearance of the red bumps. I’ve had to assure him numerous times that they will go away, he won’t be marked forever.

This morning I think I finally figured out why it has been so disturbing for him. He asked me if the boo-boo on my reconstructed breast would ever go away. The scar from the skin necrosis is significant, and what’s left of my nipple & areola is markedly different than my unaffected breast. I told him that no, it would not go away, but that was okay. I explained again to him that the boo-boo didn’t hurt, it was a scar from when Mama had cancer. Did he remember that, I asked? No. He burst into tears that my boo-boo was there forever -- and that’s when I knew…he was afraid his mosquito bumps would be too. I reassured him over and over again that his bites were not the same as Mama’s scar. He seemed to feel better but was still quite sad that my boo-boo was permanent. I told him that I was okay with mine, that I even was happy to have the scar because it was from the doctors taking out cancer, and if they didn’t do that I would have gotten very sick and not been here to take care of him and watch him grow up.

It’s hard to believe he doesn’t remember the summer of my mastectomy in 2009, but then again, why would he, he was only 2 at the time. He barely remembers me being sick from chemo in 2010 either. However he does fondly recollect my hair and every once in a while he’ll say how much he misses it. It’s longer now, finally down over my ears…but still not long enough to play with the way he used to.

Daniel doesn’t remember nursing, either, and that breaks my heart to pieces, I will truly never get over having to wean him and the painful process that was. He’s heard us talk about nursing, tho, and I’d like to think on some subconscious level it’s still there in his little soul, all those tender moments, that precious experience. After seeing a baby nurse on TV last night he asked me if I could ever give him milk again from my “ta-ta” (what we used to call it). I hesitated for a minute and by the time I was ready to answer him he’d moved on to another subject. I’m glad. I don’t know if I could have held it together even after all this time.

The trifecta came just a few moments ago. I decided to clean out a drawer of a long dresser by our front door. The first thing I pulled out was a receipt. It was from an upscale maternity boutique, one that I visited only once. I needed nursing bras. Michael had found a silly little baseball cap and bought it for Daniel. It was listed on the receipt by what it said across the front…“Boob Man” -- $15.00 .

My kid had mosquito bites, I cleaned out a drawer and WHAM, here I sit trying not to drown my keyboard in fresh tears. Forgive me, I know Memorial Day is something different, but right now for me remembering is overrated. Just once I’d like to forget.

hair raising

I have a love/hate relationship with my wig. Okay, maybe that statement is a bit strong. Let’s just say it reminds me of having a haircut that you’re not completely sure of…you know, it’s not the worst style you’ve ever had but you’re not all that crazy about it either.

There are a few things I like about the wig. For one thing it doesn’t seem to look like a wig, or at least that’s what everyone says whenever I reveal the truth. People seem to be genuinely shocked that it’s not my real hair. And a wig is very easy to maintain – just put it on, straighten it out and go. It’s also more comfortable than I thought it would be and always feels secure…no sense of it slipping or blowing off.

What I don’t like about the wig is the shape, or cut if you will…there’s something a bit off about it. Maybe too full on top? Too thin on the bottom? Not sure. It’s not the worst style I’ve ever worn, but if my hairdresser had done it, next time I’d tell him to leave it fuller on the bottom and not so poufy on top.

Gosh, I miss my hairdresser.

Which brings me to my own hair…at first it took a long time to even start coming back in…like a scary long time. And then when I finally began to see faint evidence of growth it was only on the sides and the back. As each week passed I became more and more alarmed. I mean, I looked like a balding man, as if I had a receding hairline. Of course it didn’t help that little Daniel kept saying I looked “just like Daddy”…(I will SO remember that, Kid!)

My concern was not just paranoia. Unfortunately there is a small risk of permanent hair loss with one of the chemo drugs I took, Taxotere. (Let it be known tho that while the other common choice, Taxol, doesn’t have the same risk regarding hair loss, it may instead have a slightly higher rate of causing neuropathy.)

Anyway…just as I was about to totally freak out, thankfully the front and middle finally began to lightly fill in.

However, my hair is a completely different color! It is very dark, sort of an ashy brown. From what I’ve heard it often grows back darker on those with lighter hued locks. After about a year or so the dark color starts to fade out and the original color usually returns, although sometimes that doesn’t happen. A number of women will also end up with very different hair texture after chemo…again, sometimes it eventually returns to its original state, sometimes not. Typically those formerly with straight hair will have curlier hair after, not as often the other way around. Since my hair was naturally somewhere in between, sort of wavy, who knows how this will all turn out? It’s hard to tell anything much when it’s barely an inch long.

For now I’m attempting to just go with it, to varying degrees of success depending on my mental state at any given moment. I’m trying to be patient and just take it as it comes – not like I really have much choice in the matter anyway. On the bright side I may use this as an opportunity to try hair colors and styles I never would have dreamed of experimenting with before. So in the end I guess you could say this is sort of a once in a lifetime opportunity…at least all things considered it had certainly better be once in a lifetime!

Worth a thousand words...

Round 3 tomorrow.

I'm still here.

To all the dear people that have commented -- your thoughts and prayers have meant more to me than mere words can say, my appreciation runs deep and I will never forget all your kindness. Know too that my children and husband have had their spirits lifted by the loving thoughts left here as well, and for that especially each and every one of you will forever be etched upon my heart in gratitude.

Thank you doesn't even begin to cover it, but I hope it will do.

Blessings to all...

Kayleigh

PHOTO: Hair today, gone tomorrow :(

I've been told that doing my hair after my mastectomy will be a challenge. I won't be able to shower for a long time and even when I finally can, raising my arms above my head to shampoo could be difficult. Someone will probably have to help me wash my hair over the kitchen sink.

Needless to say, I figured a haircut was in order. I was overdue for a trim anyway because I like my hair around shoulder length. So, I printed out a copy of my profile photo over there at the right and asked the hairdresser to recreate it.

This is the result and I absolutely HATE it. Silly as it sounds, if I stand a certain way it doesn't look as awful, but beyond that...

It's considerably shorter and even the shape isn't the same...more of a bob, longer in the front than the back.

At first I figured, so what? It's only hair...and I tried to get over it. But this may be my last haircut for a while...I may end up doing chemo before I know it and this will be the last style I have before it all falls out.

I wish I hadn't gone someplace new, wish I'd left it alone or gone to my regular hairdresser. I am really upset about it. I am sure people will say it looks nice and maybe it even does -- I keep trying to comfort myself with the fact that it grows back...but what I really wish was that my damn nipple would grow back. And it won't. And so I'm putting all my anguish into my stupid hair instead of that.

I guess this goes beyond a bad hair day.