I read the book as a young person and the title always stuck with me. All I recall about the plot is that it was a love story where the heroine had an almost unshakable faith in her destiny & was willing to do whatever it took to fulfill it.
That doesn’t describe me much lately. But when I thought about coming back here to blog again those words kept echoing in my mind...perhaps because they resonate as a statement of moving forward, and that’s what I want to do. It’s what I am doing, a little at a time.
Since the end of cancer treatment I’ve been lost. Really lost. The same lost I refer to in some of my last blog posts -- here it is two years since then and to be honest not much has changed on that front. I find myself wondering if maybe this is the kind of lost some people never quite find their way back from. And I also wonder now if that really matters anymore.
The directionless funk that has permeated my life these last couple years drove me into a depression. I have been wallowing in fear, pointlessness and if only’s. I functioned, but beyond that....? Not much else. Nothing has made sense; nothing has drawn me back into my own life.
At first I thought if I could find my way again, whatever that meant, then I could get back to this (or perhaps some other) blog and maybe the rest would fall into place. Writing in some form is a fundamental part of who I am, so without it I don’t feel like me. But weeks turned into months turned into years and I couldn’t bring myself to write. The more I couldn’t write, the worse I felt. I just drifted...aimless.
Dropping this blog was a shame on many levels. It might sound grandiose but blogging really did give me a deeper sense of connection – to others out there in the blogosphere and to my own sense of self. Writing for even a small audience clarified my thoughts and feelings...and it showed me the trajectory of my experiences in ways I might not have noticed otherwise. And...it was fun :)
Not to mention I’ve “met” some of the most amazing people EVER. When I went back and read some of the comments left thru the years it brought me to tears. I’ve been blessed. And I am filled with regret over not staying in touch.
Anyway, lately it has slowly dawned on me that being lost might not be the worst thing to happen, both to a person and a blog. In fact, I’m guessing there are plenty of other people out there who feel the same way. So, I have no idea what this is about, but I’m gonna figure it out as I go along, one post...one step at a time. And, why not? It’s a fair day, and this is another step begun.