Tuesday, April 30, 2013

fair day and another step begun

The title above refers to a young adult novel and the ballad it was loosely based on, neither of which at first glance really have anything to do with this blog. 

I read the book as a young person and the title always stuck with me.  All I recall about the plot is that it was a love story where the heroine had an almost unshakable faith in her destiny & was willing to do whatever it took to fulfill it.   

That doesn’t describe me much lately.  But when I thought about coming back here to blog again those words kept echoing in my mind...perhaps because they resonate as a statement of moving forward, and that’s what I want to do.  It’s what I am doing, a little at a time. 

Since the end of cancer treatment I’ve been lost.  Really lost. The same lost I refer to in some of my last blog posts -- here it is two years since then and to be honest not much has changed on that front.  I find myself wondering if maybe this is the kind of lost some people never quite find their way back from.  And I also wonder now if that really matters anymore. 

The directionless funk that has permeated my life these last couple years drove me into a depression.  I have been wallowing in fear, pointlessness and if only’s.  I functioned, but beyond that....?  Not much else.  Nothing has made sense; nothing has drawn me back into my own life.  

At first I thought if I could find my way again, whatever that meant, then I could get back to this (or perhaps some other) blog and maybe the rest would fall into place.  Writing in some form is a fundamental part of who I am, so without it I don’t feel like me.  But weeks turned into months turned into years and I couldn’t bring myself to write.  The more I couldn’t write, the worse I felt. I just drifted...aimless.    

Dropping this blog was a shame on many levels.  It might sound grandiose but blogging really did give me a deeper sense of connection – to others out there in the blogosphere and to my own sense of self.  Writing for even a small audience clarified my thoughts and feelings...and it showed me the trajectory of my experiences in ways I might not have noticed otherwise.  And...it was fun :) 

Not to mention I’ve “met” some of the most amazing people EVER.  When I went back and read some of the comments left thru the years it brought me to tears.  I’ve been blessed.  And I am filled with regret over not staying in touch.   

Anyway, lately it has slowly dawned on me that being lost might not be the worst thing to happen, both to a person and a blog.  In fact, I’m guessing there are plenty of other people out there who feel the same way.   So, I have no idea what this is about, but I’m gonna figure it out as I go along, one post...one step at a time.  And, why not?  It’s a fair day, and this is another step begun.

Thursday, April 25, 2013

once in a pink moon

Saturday, April 27th  falls just on the waning side of the full moon -- a moon that is appropriately known as the "pink moon"...apropos for me, that is, because it will be the four year anniversary of my breast cancer diagnosis.   

I was actually planning a blog post last week, the first in almost two years.  But then the terrible bombings in Boston happened.  It just didn’t seem the right moment to inaugurate what I hope will become a new era for my simple little blog.   

I’ll put that post up after the weekend, but in the meantime I wanted to take a moment to talk about one of the many heroes to come out of Boston. 

Today I was deeply moved, as I’m sure many were, by the interview with Heather Abbott...particularly the part where she referred to how futile it was to dwell on the negative or focus on all the "what ifs".  That hit me hard - but in the best possible way.   I've done my fair share of obsessing over things that cannot be changed. 

Her eloquence and determination to move forward despite her injury was very natural, indicative of the inherent spirit of bravery she possesses.  Heather Abbott is the epitome of grace...a fitting topic for this, my first new blog post as I begin trying to pick up the pieces of my own life.
Since the pink moon heralds the renewal of spring, may it shine graciously on all of us...