…six months went by.
How often have you come across a blog that was abandoned and desperately wondered what happened? As someone who frequented cancer related blogs, when ever I would read one that stopped abruptly I would naturally fear the worst.
But the worst has not happened to me. Cancer-wise? So far, basically, so good.
My husband’s health, on the other hand, went south and fast. He has had some serious autoimmune issues. More doctors, research, procedures. And this has thrown me for a loop, perhaps even more so than my own cancer. Like the kind of loop that leaves you upside down and makes you question the very essence of…everything.
In the last six months I've felt at times that there was no goodness left for me in life. I have felt that there was nothing I could say, or write, that wouldn’t ring hollow because I was hollow. And I feared I was emptied beyond refilling.
I kept trying to find that new normal everyone always talked about during surgery and treatment, the one that I thought would inevitably come once it was finally all over. Except that it’s not really over, and in many ways it never will be. Still, I tried to blend that ideal of a new normal with the memory of the old version to create something new for the rest of my life. But I have just been so lost I couldn’t do it. I guess that’s really it – I’ve been profoundly lost. Hopelessly off course beyond finding my way.
So, this is me looking for something familiar, trying to find my way again. Trying, however tentatively, to move forward.
To all those who so lovingly supported me before, if any of you still pass by this way, I’ve missed you, I’ve thought about you and I’m sorry for temporarily abandoning this blog. I never abandoned you, though, not in my heart.