Wednesday, March 23, 2011

And then...

…six months went by.

How often have you come across a blog that was abandoned and desperately wondered what happened? As someone who frequented cancer related blogs, when ever I would read one that stopped abruptly I would naturally fear the worst.

But the worst has not happened to me. Cancer-wise? So far, basically, so good.

My husband’s health, on the other hand, went south and fast. He has had some serious autoimmune issues. More doctors, research, procedures. And this has thrown me for a loop, perhaps even more so than my own cancer. Like the kind of loop that leaves you upside down and makes you question the very essence of…everything.

In the last six months I've felt at times that there was no goodness left for me in life. I have felt that there was nothing I could say, or write, that wouldn’t ring hollow because I was hollow. And I feared I was emptied beyond refilling.

I kept trying to find that new normal everyone always talked about during surgery and treatment, the one that I thought would inevitably come once it was finally all over. Except that it’s not really over, and in many ways it never will be. Still, I tried to blend that ideal of a new normal with the memory of the old version to create something new for the rest of my life. But I have just been so lost I couldn’t do it. I guess that’s really it – I’ve been profoundly lost. Hopelessly off course beyond finding my way.

So, this is me looking for something familiar, trying to find my way again. Trying, however tentatively, to move forward.

To all those who so lovingly supported me before, if any of you still pass by this way, I’ve missed you, I’ve thought about you and I’m sorry for temporarily abandoning this blog. I never abandoned you, though, not in my heart.

26 comments:

WhiteStone said...

So sorry to hear bout your hubby. My hubby, too, has been dx with a serious disease that has taken him south, as you say, very quickly. We know his time is probably shorter than mine.

In a way this has brought us closer. We treat each other gently, knowing we will have limited days remaining.

Surprisingly my mood is good, although the outlook is bad. I pray that you will find a place that is comfortable and where you can find joy is some part of every day.

Bless you.

EvaNadine said...

glad to hear from you.
so sorry things have not been well.
let this blog be your outlet, your place to cry, bitch, moan, complain... and be supported.

notSupermum said...

I am *so* pleased to read this update, even though the news could be better I've been so worried about you and despite leaving many comments and sending emails hadn't heard anything from you.

I'm sorry to hear about your husband, it's been such a tough time for all four of you, but I hope he makes a steady and full recovery.

I think you about you so often K, really often. Thanks for the update, keep on keeping on xx

Kayleigh said...

Oh White Stone, I am truly sorry to hear that. But it's nice to know that you feel closer to eachother and have found a way to stay in a positive mood, that heartens me, thanks for sharing. Some of my husband's diagnosis is up in the air still, somewhat mysterious. On the one hand that has opened the door to lots of hope...but on the other hand the mind wanders to dark places, especially since we've been there before (and recently!)

I am wishing peace, comfort and lots more moments of joy to you both.

EvaNadine, thank you so much. Your advice is very wise. You know, I think I felt guilty on some level continuing to complain, bitch or moan because I had a somewhat happy ending (if such a thing exists after cancer diagnosis)...the pulmonary nodules were NOT metastasis, ongoing treatments like chemo and surgery were FINALLY over after such a long haul, and I felt like I was *supposed* to move on...even move back into my old life albeit in a new form. But I couldn't do it and seemed to freeze like a deer in headlights. I now think you are right...it's okay to kvetch here, I mean, that's a part of the journey and that's what this blog is essentially about. Thank you for your understanding :)

NSM -- how ARE you????? (HUGE virtual hugs!)...I've thought of you so often, I'm deeply sorry you got no replies -- it's only because I didn't even look (still haven't, I confess) I haven't written a single word in months, just Googled what was necessary and turned the computer off. Days would go by without me even touching it. But the siren song of a freshly booted monitor finally got to me, as well as a yearning to reach out to dear friends like you. I have missed ya and am on my way over to your blog the minute I hit PUBLISH. Thanks for checking on me and for your continuing loving support -- you are a true friend.

To all three of you, thank you for keeping in touch, for seeing my little virtual wave hello and for just being the kind women you are. Big hugs to all :)

JJ said...

So good to read your words Kayleigh. I am sorry life has been tough. I understand that hollow feeling.

I thought of you regularly and always send you happy thoughts.

Kayleigh said...

JJ, really good to "see" you! I know you understand...hope you and your family are doing well, have thought of you, too. Thank you so much for your kind words :)

Paul said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
The Small Fabric Of My Life said...

Kayleigh - I am so relieved to @
'hear' from you again.
My heartfelt wishes to you and your husband and the hope for better health in the coming months.
God Bless,
jane X

Kayleigh said...

Jane, thank you so much...it's wonderful to "see" you! Your good wishes mean alot to us :) Can't wait to check out your blog and see what you've been up to.

Sheila said...

Kayleigh, so wonderful to hear from you - I was worried about you and thought of you often! *hug*

I'm so sorry to hear about your husband's health - jeez, maybe you should start buying lottery tickets, because you are DUE for some good luck for a change!

I hope you are hanging in there, girl. I know that rocker chick in you is a strong, strong woman.

Sheila

Kayleigh said...

:D Sheila!! Thank you so much and big hugs right back atcha. How are you? Gosh, you really made me smile w/the rocker chic ref, I'd almost forgotten. And wow, we sure ARE due for some good luck and then some, ya got that right! Missed you.

Tat said...

Oh Kayleigh, I am so happy and relieved that you are OK, but so sorry to hear about the tough time your husband is now having - it just doesn't seem fair :-(

How are the kids coping with everything?

Kayleigh said...

Hi Tat, thanks for asking about the kids -- they are amazing...such great little people. I used to fear how negatively they would be effected by my cancer journey, you know, seeing me fall apart both figuratively and literally. But what I didn't realize is that by also seeing me get back up again and again they would be gaining a valuable perspective. Life might knock you around, but you just have to keep going the best you can, or at least something like that. Anyway, they seem to be taking their daddy's situation in stride too...altho it is still all sort of unknown and that may actually be easier for them to not worry about.

Anyway, thanks again for thinking of me and caring about my kids -- you are such a sweet person :)

The Writing Instinct said...

Dear, dear Kayleigh! It is so good to hear from you. Our good friend the amazing notSupermum immediately told me about your update. (Thanks NSM! xo)

I am so sorry to read that you have had such a diffiult time dealing with Michael's health concerns as well. How much can one family take?

My dear friend I wish you, Michael and your beautiful children every good health. I know you are all very close and will persevere through these difficult times.

As others have suggested, let this blog be somewhere you can vent and express whatever it is you are feeling. But also remember that you don't need the added burden of always having to update your blog. We will all still be here no matter how often or not you post. Always.

With much, much love and the biggest hug *ever*,
Mervat
xxoo

The Write Girl said...

Hi Kayleigh,

Thanks for checking out my blog. It's really wonderful to read another fellow blogger and writer. I noticed you also have a blog dedicated to your novel. I hope at some point you will resume that. I'm sorry to hear about your husband's health and send my prayers for you and your family. I always like having a new blogging friend. Hope to read more of your work soon!!

Kayleigh said...

Mervat -- huge hugs for you and yours!!!! You are SO sweet & generous, thank you from the bottom of my heart for your beautiful words. That last part, about always being here...well,that just brought tears to my eyes, thank you so, so, so much for that.

Much love to you, dear friend :)

Danni said...

Glad to hear from you as well. We had a few threads every few months on the VB trying to find someone who had heard from you.

Hugs and love from the WW land.

Maddy Avena said...

Oh dear Kayleigh. Blessings on your beautiful head. We have missed you so very much. Your VB sisters are still holding the circle for you.
love,
Maddy

lynn said...

Dearest Kaleigh, I have thought of you so very often, and literally every day recently. I am so happy your health is on an upswing. And so sorry for all the suffering. I will pray for you, your husband, and your children.
Much love to you,
vber formerly known as Phoebebest123

Spiragirl said...

So glad to 'see' you back, and so sorry to hear about your husband.I have thought about you all often.

Kate

Kayleigh said...

Thanks Write Girl -- I love your blog, it's wonderful! Yes, I do hope to resume posting rough drafts of my novel...and to work on it more in general. Your well wishes are so thoughtful, thank you so much.

Kayleigh said...

Yikes -- had some sort of moderation thing on and missed these comments, so sorry!

Lynn, Phoebe my darling woman...how are you? You are so dear and thoughtful, thank you for keeping me in your heart!

Spiragirl, I've been meaning to hop over to your blog and see how you and your fam are doing, I hope well...thanks for remembering me :)

Danni -- that is SO sweet, so beyond heartwarming...to know that I've been thought of, remembered with loving care. I can use all the love I can get these days. Thank you for that.

Maddy, oh my old friend -- how are you??? There were times where I envisioned that circle...hoped it was still there. Thank you for shining the light...for always, always being such a beautiful source of that light.

It's like a homecoming :)

Enci said...

I am sitting here crying because I am so happy you are alive- I was so afraid for you, your kids etc. Much love out to you and sorry about your hubby's health.

Anusha said...

Helloooooooo!!!!!!!!!! SO so glad you're back!!!! Seriously, it made my whole month to hear from you!!! ^_^ I'm so extremely glad you're back in the blogging world, I can't even put it in words!!! It somehow made me feel like all's getting better with the world.

I'm sorry to hear about your husband's health problems, though. I hope they will get better with time. Last year I was struck by some doozies too, including type 2 diabetes. It was tremendously difficult dealing with it (I still feel like there's the shadow of a dialysis machine on my life every day and it terrifies me), but now I've gotten more or less used to it and I think it makes me appreciate the everyday good moments much more. I've started keeping a record of them in a gratitude journal (cheezetastic!).

I'm sooooo looking forward to reading your blog again! It's seriously awesome that you're back!

Kayleigh said...

Enci darling, now I'm crying too, lol...thank you for always being such a caring person, you are one of the most amazing people I "know" -- tho we've never met in person.

How are you, doing well?

Kayleigh said...

Anusha, You are so sweet, thank you! I'll say it again, super hardy congrats on your impending bundle of joy!!!! I was just so tickled, it brought a big smile to my face :D

I'm so sorry to hear about your diabetes, but it sounds like you are handling it very well. I completely understand that shadow haunting you, the what if's that creep into your thoughts and play on very real fears. But you are doing everything you can for yourself and your baby, and I just know you both will have a long healthy future ahead of you.