Saturday, August 7, 2010

Going nuts...

I wish there was upbeat or even definitive news to share, but there’s not.

I wish I could say I am doing well in the interim, but I’m not.

The doctors, in their infinite wisdom, have now decided that I should wait for at least a few more weeks before scheduling the lung biopsy. This is likely because A) they’re hoping the pulmonary nodules will have shrunk and/or disappeared, or B) they will have grown, thus making an accurate biopsy easier. Let’s go with option A, shall we? Either way, while the waiting is nerve wracking I’m not complaining…the idea of having my lungs poked with a needle isn’t something I’m chomping at the bit to experience. I can wait.

On the other hand, emotionally I feel like I’m falling slowly into a pit. I don’t sleep well, even with pharmaceutical aid, and I cry at the drop of a hat. Some days are almost normal, shockingly so, actually. But then there are days when I just can’t seem to control my emotions for even a minute.

What’s probably not helping is that I’ve now got two injections for ovarian ablation under my belt….(literally, that’s where they give you the shot, in your lower abdomen)…and I’ve been taking Arimidex, the estrogen blocking drug I’ll be on for at least the next five years. While I was in “chemopause” before, I suspect that this new hormonal deficit has pushed me a bit over the edge. No estrogen, no mood control at the moment.

To top it all off lymphedema has acted up in earnest…I now have visible swelling in my lower arm. I am not handling that just freaks me out. But I keep doing my home care, even tho it’s not having any effect. I can’t do simple activities in the way I’m accustomed to and it is making me feel suddenly very old, as if piece by piece life as I once knew it has been chipped away.

The one year anniversary of my mastectomy was July 27th. I remember last year as I laid there on the operating table waiting to go under the anesthesia I tried to stay focused on the future, almost as if willing myself to be fast forwarded to a time beyond what I was about to endure. I comforted myself with the promise that by the same time next year it would all be behind me…that in whatever shape I was left physically at least the cancer journey would be over.

Not so. Maybe that was a foolish idea anyway.

You know, I probably could have written the shortest entry in my entire blogging history by just saying this: things totally suck.

I’m sorry for the long absence, and now the totally depressing post, but that’s pretty much what’s going on in a nutshell. A really crappy little nutshell.


Mervat said...

Kayleigh, it is so good to read your post. I have been checking in daily (even thrice-daily!) with the hope that there is *some* news from you. Despite how bad things are for you now (and I am so sorry to hear of how down you are) it is great to *hear* your voice. If you feel like stating that *things totally suck* then do so; that is what this medium is for.

-We hear you-

and we are here for you, as always.

Love and hugs to you my dear friend,

Anonymous said...

Kaleigh, I have also been checking a few times a day--it is nice to "hear" from you again. I am wishing you great joy and strenghth--although, I know you have great strength, and family and friends who love you.
Best, Linda

WhiteStone said...

Damn cancer. Damn what it does to our bodies and our minds.

Lesa said...

I've been checking too. Im here thinking and praying as always.

Always Summer

Brenda said...

Cancer sucks.

I am relieved to get an update from you though. You've had a rough go of it but its not over yet.

Thinking of you and praying for your best.

Jean said...

Like the others, I've been checking in everyday to see if there was any news from you.

You have people all over the world willing you on K, that's how much we care about you.

Thinking about you single day, and wishing you better times dear friend. x

Anonymous said...

I too have been checking daily for your next update, I'm sure there are many lurkers who like myself, may not know the words to say or advice to give even if their families too have been affected by cancer.
But we are all holding your hand.

Best wishes
Em x

Sheila said...

I also check in regularly for an update from you, hon. I'm sorry that it's been rough, but I hope the somewhat normal days help.

Cancer sucks.

Here for you, and sending fresh big huge good vibes!


La Belette Rouge said...

It absolutely sucks. That said, I am glad you gave us a longer update than that. You are so often in my thoughts. I find myself at a loss at what to say--I guess that is because I so care about you and I want to see the *right* thing, whatever that is. So since I don't know what that right thing is I will just tell you that you are in my thoughts and that I send hugs and love.xoxo

Qwerty said...

I've also been thinking of you and checking in daily. So sorry to hear that there is no good news yet! I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers....

The Small Fabric Of My Life said...

When I came back from holiday and checked what has been happening in the blogspher emy thoughts turned to you.
I have been so busy and self absorbed lately but your blog made me stop. Take a long stop. I wish I coudl do something to help you. The only thing I can do is to send over my thoghts and prayers that somehow you will get through this.
And if you want to write a whole blog about life sucking go right ahead my friend. XXXX

Mervat said...

Hope you have been well, all things considered, these past few weeks. Have you had the biopsy performed yet?

Thinking of you my dear,