Thursday, July 15, 2010

Holding pattern

In the ten days since my last post I've seen and/or talked to several doctors. Bloodwork, scans and reports are being passed around between radiologists, oncologists and pulmonologists (that's alot of "gists" isn't it?)....and some decision will be made this week or next as to when I'll have the lung biopsy. I do know that they will try to do a guided needle aspiration type thing and sample the largest of my pulmonary nodules, but it is only 9mm, so if that doesn't work they have to go in a little more invasively, doing a procedure called VATS (video-assisted thorascopic surgery). Let's hope that is not necessary.

Meanwhile I am all over the map emotionally. I have good moments when I can actually put this aside and function almost normally, even laugh a little or enjoy myself somewhat. Then in the blink of an eye I can just as easily plummet down to the depths of despair.

It's just so hard to believe that this could be happening. Even more so because it has certainly been one thing after another for quite a while now, to an almost ridiculous point. For the last year, each time I went thru something difficult, like waiting for the diagnosis or trying to choose what type of surgery to have...facing the skin necrosis...enduring chemo...each time I would try and focus on a spot in the future when it would be over. But I have yet to get to that place, as my readers well know, because something else always seems to happen. When I'm done with one disaster I barely have a moment to take a breath before I'm trying to get thru another calamity, one day at a time.

I'd like to say that I've learned from this not to put life on hold, to live in the moment. And to some degree I suppose I have gotten a bit better at that. But these relentless issues each feel so acute that it's hard not to become all-consumed by them.

So here I am, nearing the one year anniversary of my mastectomy (7/27) and I don't feel in the least like I've been able to put any of this behind me, even a little. In fact, I think these unending medical issues have dramatically had the opposite effect, I've barely even scratched the surface of dealing emotionally with the fundamentals -- like that I have cancer in the first place, or that I "lost" a breast.

(You know, I am not all that fond of saying I lost my breast -- for one thing it sounds like I misplaced it and the thing could eventually turn up...and for another, I did have reconstruction and tho that didn't turn out as planned there's still a reasonable facsimile of a breast on my chest, albeit much the worse for wear.)


I'm holding on as best I can and some days, heck, some minutes, it's harder than others. Today as I read the numerous well-wishes on the comments of my last post I felt lighter, a little stronger. That's a HUGE blessing. To all of you who made that happen, my deepest gratitude. You've made so much of this saga more tolerable, no small feat, I assure you. Thank you.


Lesa said...

Dear Kayleigh,

Me again. Just here to check up on you and tell you I'm praying and thinking of you. Wish I had something more interesting to say or something that could bring a smile to your face for one moment. If I think of something I'll be back...

Much Love,
lesa in Florida
Always Summer

Jean said...

Hi K, I'm grateful to you for keeping us updated with your news, I just wish you could report something back that would have us all whooping at our computer screens. Hopefully soon, but until then I'm sending you my warmest wishes and all the love I can muster. xx

p.s. funny how even in dark times there is humour. When my Dad passed away recently I was reminded of the Oscar Wilde quote, "to lose one parent is a tragedy, to lose two is carelessness." xx

Sheila said...

Hey, sweetie, thank you for keeping us updated, even though I'm sure we are the last things on your mind most days.

I hope you know I'm thinking of you, daily, and sending every bit of strong vibes that I can muster (if I could will that cancer out of your body, I would).

Hugs, and strength to you, my friend.

Anonymous said...

Praying that you will recover and be able to be here to raise your babies and watch them grow up! I can't imagine the pain and fear you are going through... But you are showing amazing strength!

Qwerty said...

You're still in my thoughts and prayers every day! I check in every day to see if there's some sort of update...

I'm guessing the PET scan showed there was nothing in your bones, liver or brain if they're doing the biopsy now?
That's something, at least! I'm holding on to hope for you, even when you can't.

Much love,

Anonymous said...

I know how you feel. You want this to be in the past instead of constantly dealing with it. You want it OVER! Now! Why won't your body listen to you?

It won't listen. What's that saying? When we make plans God laughs. I know this will sound strange, but try not to have any expectations, and you won't be disappointed. I know you can't be neutral, but let go off what you are stressing yourself about. Enjoy each moment, and try to find the laughter in your life, even if you have to laugh at yourself. :0)

We have your back. We are here for you. All you have to do is ask. It's not a sign of weakness to ask for help. It's a sign of strength to realize you are human and can't do it all.

I tried to email you, and I could not. (it was returned) email me if you need anything.
Find whatever brings you comfort, and hold on to it. Live your life, don't let this illness take the joy from your ilife, then the illness wins.

Sending you love and happiness. and lot's of healing vibes.
hastyfar from the VB

DanaElayne said...

Thinking of you every day!

Mervat said...

We are too still here, waiting and hoping. Thank you for continuing to share the intolerably difficult moments with us. With healing thoughts, prayers and much, much love.

Jean said...

Thinking of you everyday K, hoping for positive news. Stay strong x

Mervat said...

Kayleigh, your absence here is missed. Hope you let us all know how you and your family are.


Jean said...

Thinking of you K, and wondering how you are. Sending my warmest wishes, you're on my mind so many times during each day. with love dear friend, xx

Jean said...

Thinking of you xx

woman&warrior said...

Keep checking your blog for updates. Holding you in my thoughts and heart. I imagine this is a very difficult time and I haven't the faintest idea what I could say to make it easier, so I'll just say this: Ihope the cancer is retreating, I hope you are coping, I hope your babies and husband are bringing you joy, I hope you are healing. I believe this to be possible.

Lots of love, and prayers.

JO PETERS said...

Kayleigh, I am amazed by you. I admire your strength and your abillity to put into words what you are experiencing. God bless you my pet. I read some of your writing and am really impressed. I believe that you are going to conquer the big C and go on to being a well known author. I stand in awe of the brave woman you are.
JO Peters
Ibecoming one of your followers today)