I read the book as a young person and the title always stuck with me. All I recall about the plot is that it was a love story where the heroine had an almost unshakable faith in her destiny & was willing to do whatever it took to fulfill it.
That doesn’t describe me much
lately. But when I thought about coming
back here to blog again those words kept echoing in my mind...perhaps because they
resonate as a statement of moving forward, and that’s what I want to do. It’s what I am doing, a little at a time.
Since the end of cancer treatment I’ve
been lost. Really lost. The same lost I
refer to in some of my last blog posts -- here it is two years since then and to be
honest not much has changed on that front.
I find myself wondering if maybe this is the kind of lost some people
never quite find their way back from. And
I also wonder now if that really matters anymore.
The directionless funk that
has permeated my life these last couple years drove me into a depression. I have
been wallowing in fear, pointlessness and if only’s. I functioned, but beyond that....? Not much else. Nothing has made sense; nothing has drawn me
back into my own life.
At first I thought if I could
find my way again, whatever that meant, then
I could get back to this (or perhaps some other) blog and maybe the rest would
fall into place. Writing in some form is
a fundamental part of who I am, so without it I don’t feel like me. But weeks turned into months turned into
years and I couldn’t bring myself to write.
The more I couldn’t write, the worse I felt. I just
drifted...aimless.
Dropping this blog was a
shame on many levels. It might sound
grandiose but blogging really did give me a deeper sense of connection – to
others out there in the blogosphere and to my own sense of self. Writing for even a small audience clarified
my thoughts and feelings...and it showed me the trajectory of my experiences in
ways I might not have noticed otherwise.
And...it was fun :)
Not to mention I’ve “met”
some of the most amazing people EVER.
When I went back and read some of the comments left thru the years it
brought me to tears. I’ve been blessed. And I am filled with regret over not staying
in touch.
Anyway, lately it has slowly dawned
on me that being lost might not be the worst thing to happen, both to a person
and a blog. In fact, I’m guessing there
are plenty of other people out there who feel the same way. So, I have no idea what this is about, but I’m
gonna figure it out as I go along, one post...one step at a time. And, why not?
It’s a fair day, and this is another step begun.
