Tuesday, April 30, 2013

fair day and another step begun

The title above refers to a young adult novel and the ballad it was loosely based on, neither of which at first glance really have anything to do with this blog. 

I read the book as a young person and the title always stuck with me.  All I recall about the plot is that it was a love story where the heroine had an almost unshakable faith in her destiny & was willing to do whatever it took to fulfill it.   

That doesn’t describe me much lately.  But when I thought about coming back here to blog again those words kept echoing in my mind...perhaps because they resonate as a statement of moving forward, and that’s what I want to do.  It’s what I am doing, a little at a time. 

Since the end of cancer treatment I’ve been lost.  Really lost. The same lost I refer to in some of my last blog posts -- here it is two years since then and to be honest not much has changed on that front.  I find myself wondering if maybe this is the kind of lost some people never quite find their way back from.  And I also wonder now if that really matters anymore. 

The directionless funk that has permeated my life these last couple years drove me into a depression.  I have been wallowing in fear, pointlessness and if only’s.  I functioned, but beyond that....?  Not much else.  Nothing has made sense; nothing has drawn me back into my own life.  

At first I thought if I could find my way again, whatever that meant, then I could get back to this (or perhaps some other) blog and maybe the rest would fall into place.  Writing in some form is a fundamental part of who I am, so without it I don’t feel like me.  But weeks turned into months turned into years and I couldn’t bring myself to write.  The more I couldn’t write, the worse I felt. I just drifted...aimless.    

Dropping this blog was a shame on many levels.  It might sound grandiose but blogging really did give me a deeper sense of connection – to others out there in the blogosphere and to my own sense of self.  Writing for even a small audience clarified my thoughts and feelings...and it showed me the trajectory of my experiences in ways I might not have noticed otherwise.  And...it was fun :) 

Not to mention I’ve “met” some of the most amazing people EVER.  When I went back and read some of the comments left thru the years it brought me to tears.  I’ve been blessed.  And I am filled with regret over not staying in touch.   

Anyway, lately it has slowly dawned on me that being lost might not be the worst thing to happen, both to a person and a blog.  In fact, I’m guessing there are plenty of other people out there who feel the same way.   So, I have no idea what this is about, but I’m gonna figure it out as I go along, one post...one step at a time.  And, why not?  It’s a fair day, and this is another step begun.

13 comments:

EvaNadine said...

welcome back, kayleigh!
while we wondered what had become of you, there is no need to feel regret over your absence. im happy to hear you are well, healthwise. hopefully getting back on the blogging horse will settle your soul a little. :)

Kayleigh said...

EvaNadine -- how are you? I'm so glad to see you here! Thank you very much for your comment, it means alot :) Oh, and I love the idea of getting back on the blogging horse, lol.

The Small Fabric Of My Life said...

Oh happy day.
Kayleigh, I have missed you.
I have checked your blog every few months to see if you were back.
Your comment today made my day.
I am sorry to hear you have had such a difficult time but I am so glad you have foudn your way back to blogging.

Kayleigh said...

Jane -- I'm so touched to know you were checking on my little corner of the blogosphere...you are too sweet for words. What a warm feeling it is to know that people like you care, I can't begin to say how much that means. Thank you!!!!

Jean (notsupermum) said...

There's nothing wrong with feeling lost, we've all been there. I hope blogging again can help you find you way once more. xx

Jean said...

Dear Kayleigh I too checked every so often. I was so pleased to see you were back on reading Jane's blog today. You have been missed. I am so sorry you have had such a struggle. I hope you can write for us again and will find solace in so doing. Welcome back, Jean X

Kayleigh said...

notSupermum -- it's so comforting to think that I'm not alone...that other people have been where I am and understand...thank you for saying that :)

Jean -- thank you for the heartfelt welcome, I am deeply moved by your thoughtful wishes, you cannot imagine how much it matters.

Sheila said...

Maybe we can't truly find our way until we ARE lost? Just like we can't really experience true happiness until we've experienced true sadness. Flip sides of the same coin.

Writers...write. Just write, about anything. Your writing just flows so beautifully. I am so glad you are back. *hug*

PS - please lose the word captcha (just approve your posts if you must - I hate those captchas!). :)

Kayleigh said...

Sheila: wow, that was brilliant...seriously profound and so true -- thank you for that, and for the compliment :D

Huh I didn't even know that thing was on...thanx for telling me, I soooo hate those things too, lol!

Tim Koppenhaver said...

Nice having you back at the keyboard. I especially like this thought...

"Writing for even a small audience clarified my thoughts and feelings...and it showed me the trajectory of my experiences in ways I might not have noticed otherwise."

TK

Kayleigh said...

Tim -- it's so nice to see you! And it's good to be back at the keyboard, thank you very much :)

Anusha said...

Hello Kayleigh!!!! It is so indescribablty awesome to see you back! I think of you all the time and wonder if you're well. I think seeing you "back" to blogging is the greatest start to this year ever (we just celebrated Sri Lankan Buddhist/Hindu New Year in April)!

Weirdly enough, I too was in a total blogging hiatus for a while, due to all kinds of uncertainty and some depression, etc. (thankfully nothing to do with family life, but just in a weird general existential way).

But I truly believe in that saying about how when you've hit rock bottom there's nowhere to go but up, and I feel that's what's happening for you too: looking up!

I hope and pray life will only continue to improve and get better and better for you. I have a very good feeling that it will! And when those inevitable down times come, you always have us to vent! :o)

For some reason I feel that seeing you blogging again is some kind of "sign" from the universe that life is getting better in general. SO glad to see you back!!

Kayleigh said...

Anusha!!! How ARE you??? I've thought of you so often. I am so touched by your words, you are a kind and lovely soul :D Thank you.

I am glad to hear your family life is going so well, and I can totally relate to the existential stuff big time, lol. You are absolutely right about hitting bottom and having only up from there to go...very well put.

And that you think my return is any kind of sign for life getting better just tickles me to no end and makes me wish I could hug you -- this will have to do (((((HUG)))))

Welcome back to us both -- here's to a happy, healthy new year!!!!!!!