fair day and another step begun

The title above refers to a young adult novel and the ballad it was loosely based on, neither of which at first glance really have anything to do with this blog. 

I read the book as a young person and the title always stuck with me.  All I recall about the plot is that it was a love story where the heroine had an almost unshakable faith in her destiny & was willing to do whatever it took to fulfill it.   

That doesn’t describe me much lately.  But when I thought about coming back here to blog again those words kept echoing in my mind...perhaps because they resonate as a statement of moving forward, and that’s what I want to do.  It’s what I am doing, a little at a time. 

Since the end of cancer treatment I’ve been lost.  Really lost. The same lost I refer to in some of my last blog posts -- here it is two years since then and to be honest not much has changed on that front.  I find myself wondering if maybe this is the kind of lost some people never quite find their way back from.  And I also wonder now if that really matters anymore. 

The directionless funk that has permeated my life these last couple years drove me into a depression.  I have been wallowing in fear, pointlessness and if only’s.  I functioned, but beyond that....?  Not much else.  Nothing has made sense; nothing has drawn me back into my own life.  

At first I thought if I could find my way again, whatever that meant, then I could get back to this (or perhaps some other) blog and maybe the rest would fall into place.  Writing in some form is a fundamental part of who I am, so without it I don’t feel like me.  But weeks turned into months turned into years and I couldn’t bring myself to write.  The more I couldn’t write, the worse I felt. I just drifted...aimless.    

Dropping this blog was a shame on many levels.  It might sound grandiose but blogging really did give me a deeper sense of connection – to others out there in the blogosphere and to my own sense of self.  Writing for even a small audience clarified my thoughts and feelings...and it showed me the trajectory of my experiences in ways I might not have noticed otherwise.  And...it was fun :) 

Not to mention I’ve “met” some of the most amazing people EVER.  When I went back and read some of the comments left thru the years it brought me to tears.  I’ve been blessed.  And I am filled with regret over not staying in touch.   

Anyway, lately it has slowly dawned on me that being lost might not be the worst thing to happen, both to a person and a blog.  In fact, I’m guessing there are plenty of other people out there who feel the same way.   So, I have no idea what this is about, but I’m gonna figure it out as I go along, one post...one step at a time.  And, why not?  It’s a fair day, and this is another step begun.