I'll start with the ugly and work backwards so as to end on a more positive note -- as much for myself as for my readers.
THE UGLY: The final pathology report came in: there was microscopic cancer found in the first of my two lymph nodes. I believe this means my cancer is now Stage II (B). This was not the news we were hoping for. I found out only a few hours ago and am pretty devastated right now. I've more research to do but this really knocked us flat.
THE BAD: I have been in a very dark place emotionally....way before the final path report today, in fact it's been creeping up on me since I came home. I cry on and off all day, can't sleep and vacillate between deep sorrow, simmering anger and this nagging feeling of vague regret. Intellectually I know I had no choice, but it feels like I took a perfectly healthy body and mutilated it. The feeling of loss is almost overwhelming. I don't know how to write about it now...I've lost a little of the will to blog and perhaps that scares me most of all. This feels like the worst post partum I could imagine, which is also disturbing to me on many levels.
THE GOOD: I got my drains out today (3 of them), which makes me feel waaaaay more human and means I can shower. My pain is slowly decreasing little by little each day. More importantly, the margins for the rest of the breast are clean -- which is especially good because they did find more cancer there after all -- mastectomy was indeed a good choice. The nipple/areola complex gets to stay (if it survives) -- that came back clean too. My children are coping well and DH has been with me every step of the way. I don't know what I'd do without them.
So, that's the state of affairs at the moment. Will keep you posted. Any good thoughts and vibes are perpetually appreciated more than words can say.
12 comments:
Sorry to hear about the path report, I hope you can get that zapped away and don't need further surgery.
I'm sure you made the right decision, it's not mutilation, it's saving your life for yourself and for your family. I'm crying with you now.
xx
Dear K, the news about the path reports is not the best result but I imagine if it's microscopic then it's early stages and something can be done to stop it moving.
Don't beat yourself up about the dark emotions or losing the motivation to blog, jeez, you've been through an incredibly traumatic time and you're still in recovery. Give it time.
You have the love of your incredible family to support you, and your blogging friends are wishing you well. Stay strong, much love to you. x
Kayleigh - I am so glad to "hear" your voice again. I have been thinking about you a lot the past few days and didn't want to go awya on holiday without hearing how you were.
I second and third what Imogen and notsupermum say about the path report but microscopic sounds a little more positive than large amounts.
As for crying and feeling down and not wanting to blog I am amazed you have got as far as you have. I would have dissolved into tears a long time before and been completely useless to my family. Your strength is reflected in your family's strength.
Your blog will be the first I'll turn to when I return home - meanwhile I pray for your recovery and peace for you and your family at this difficult time.
And before I go, here's a big hug. XXX
Sending all good thoughts and wishes your way, K. Of course you're in a dark place. Look at what you went through leading up to this, and now it's been done. I'm sorry about the path report. I will look forward to hearing--if you're up to it--what your options about that are. We all love you.
It sounds like quite a blow, that path report, to your already justified gloominess. Keep resting. For your body and your mind. I know you probably don't need anything to make you feel worse right now but there is a children's book I read last year that made me cry so hard I had to explain myself to the other parents attending the Book Fair! It is called something like "The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane" and it's by the same author as "Tale of Despereaux." The pictures are lovely but the story is just magnificent. Kind of like "The Velveteen Rabbit." Sometimes you need a "good" cry.
*prays for your health*
physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.
I'm so sorry about the pathology. One more struggle you shouldn't have to deal with.
The dark place is to be expected. You can be positive thinking all you want, but you are not perfect and bad thoughts happen. Are you taking any meds? Google 'post surgical depression'.
Congrats on getting rid of the drains. What a PITA they were!
Blogging is very therapeutic. Get it all out!
Hugs and prayers.
Bless your heart! (((((HUGS)))))
Kayleigh,
sorry for the darkness.
it's to be expected...
you've been through so much!
and you will emerge.
and you will conquer.
even if you doubt it,
picture the finish
the waaaay you want it to be.
and feel it.
and feeeel it.
and you will have it.
because i don't know you
but i know your mid.
you will be victorious, Kayleigh!
peace and love~ Chuck
Oh, honey, that sucks, but microscopic sounds treatable - I hope it will be!
Sending you hugely big vibes on this rainy day. Get some air, smell the wind, hug your family. Be strong.
Hug,
Sheila
Dearest,
Your feelings are totally organic reactions of the emotional body to all of it: the cancer, the fear, the invasion, the breaking and entering, the mutilation, the loss.
You are Good Right and Beautiful.
I see the Goddess Mama Kayleigh holding this Kayleigh close to her heart so she can hear that steady heartbeat and in breath/out breath.
I send my Mama energy to yours to hold you.
love,
Maddy
Dearest Kayleigh, I am stumped that the path report was not what we had hoped for. But, that is OK. You have come this far, so far. You can overcome this and you will be telling us about your latest purchase and gorgeous outfit in no time.
Love and hugs to yo all,
Mervat.
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