Friday, May 28, 2010

Here I go again

I don’t want to post this. I don’t want to be this person, the one for which every thing seems to go wrong. But apparently I am.

A recent CT scan shows there are two nodules on my lungs. I don’t know much else right now because I went into shock when the oncologist told me last night. I vaguely remember asking about lung metastasis and her saying that this would need to be watched for the next couple years.

Years???

It almost sounds like I didn’t/don’t have pneumonia. I saw a pulmonary guy when I was first diagnosed with the pneumonia, and he’s the one that ordered the second CT which I understood was to rule out lung damage from chemo. I wasn’t all that concerned…I mean, it seemed more like a sickness kind of thing, I ran a bit of a fever and just a few days after the antibiotics were finished I felt better. Not all better, but significantly improved.

Now from the sound of what my oncologist said this might have nothing to do with that…or maybe it wasn’t pneumonia in the first place…or…I don’t know – I’m totally confused.

Thanks to Google I know some key questions to ask when I see the pulmonary guy again on Tuesday. I also now know that it’s very possible to have no definitive answers with pulmonary (lung) nodules as my oncologist seemed to be saying…that these may be in fact a wait and see, watch if they grow or change kind of thing.

I’m not sure I can take some kind of “wait and see” crap.

I’m not sure how to make it till Tuesday.

I’m not sure how much more of anything I can take.

I wish I could leave that last “cancer-free” blog entry up here. I wish I could still be the woman who posted that. But I’m not. Right now I don’t even feel like the woman who started this blog…I’m certainly not the woman I thought I’d be at this stage of my life.

I don’t know who I am. I just know I have two nodules on my lungs. And that I want to scream and smash something.

22 comments:

The Small Fabric Of My Life said...

It is hard to find the right words to comfort you now right now so I wanted to let you know I am praying for you and will be thinking of you on Tuesday.

Lesa said...

Dear Kaleigh,

Although we have never met each other, I consider you a friend and My heart aches with your last posting. Dr's are so good at taking a
"wait and see" attitude BECAUSE ITS NOT THEM WHO ARE WAITING AND SEEING. I am the type of person who has no patience for good things or for bad things, so even though I don't know what you are going through I emphathize (sp?) with you and cannot tell you how very sorry I am that you have to go through this new trauma.

Please do me a favor and do go to far on the internet they can scare you over a common cold...

My email is skyroxy@bellsouth if you ever need anyone to "talk" to. I don't know how religious u are but I consider myself a spiritual persona and I am going to pray for you and your family like crazy.

Much Love.
Lesa
Aways Summer.

Seitan's Minion said...

Kayleigh,
You are not nodules. You are not cancer. You are so much more than that.
Wishing you peace and strength in this fight.
~syd

Anonymous said...

Kayleigh,

@/Jane sending some love your way. Lots of good thoughts on the VB for you.

{{{{Kayleigh}}}}}

(My word verification below says "pigho." Seriously. Hope that brought a small smile.)

Sunny said...

Kayleigh
MY heart goes out to you on this long weekend of waiting. I do want you to know there is hope. My mom had lung cancer (primary) and had half a lung removed and has been in remission for over 5 years. If it is lung cancer -I know this might not mean much but it is good that they saw it early. (((((Kayleigh)))))

-Sunny

~Tessa~Scoffs said...

I know it will be hard waiting for Tuesday but just be YOU this weekend - not "that person."

Brenda said...

Cancer is so insidious, its so hard. Its not like fixing a broken bone where they know its all been done right. It hides. When I read your blog is so easy for me to put myself in your place, its hard.

I too will be praying for you. Praying you can enjoy a peaceful weekend and that the doc on Tuesday is stellar. And that you will be OK.

Sheila said...

I highly recommend breaking something! Is there an ugly dish you've always hated? :) I used to work in a Christmas store and whenever we got a cracked glass ball (often), I would put in a bag, take it to the concrete floor area (when customers weren't around), and smash the crap out of it with a hammer. It's extremely satisfying!

Don't feel like you have to be anything other than YOU, hon. We know you are not any illness, and we are with you.

As always, sending good vibes and hugs.
Sheila

Tampa Area Adult Sickle Cell Support Group said...

Kayleigh
I know what you mean. I don't know what you mean. I have a hereditary illness. i don't have what you have, but I am tired of being tired. I am tired of doctors appointments, test and giving blood. I am tired of waiting!!! I am sorry you must endure this, but I think we go through so much we are grateful for the small moments.

Enjoy the small moments, there is some small wonderful moments each day. It does not matter that you are not the woman you thought you would be at this stage of your life. Most of us don't follow the plan we mapped out, life does not allow us to follow any plan. All we can do it roll with it. You are doing that with grace and dignity.
You are loved by people like me that never met you. We at the VB really care about you. Sending you strong VB vibes!

Sending you love
hastyfar

Steph H said...

Kayleigh, I don't have words, just hope that this is nothing. I am so very sorry you are going through this right now. And I wish I could do something to make it better. You are always in my thoughts. XOXO, Steph

Anonymous said...

Sending you love and strength, Kayleigh, and holding you in my heart.

coder ann

Anonymous said...

Good thoughts to you from Australia

notSupermum said...

This must be so hard for you. I wish I could help somehow, but instead I can only offer my warmest thoughts and hope you get some good answers on Tuesday. Much love to you x

Anonymous said...

Sending you thoughts of peace and love, and wishes for strength, sanity, tenacity and a diagnosis for complete freedom from cancer.
Love, horshack xoxo

Imogen Lamport, AICI CIP said...

Dear Kayleigh, so sorry to hear that you are again waiting results. I get that, at the moment we are waiting on results on a tumor that my son has. It's killing me.
xx
Im

Vikingirl said...

Kayleigh, you are in my heart and in my prayers. I am so sorry you are going through this. --VB Vikingirl

The Writing Instinct said...

Kayleigh, my dear friend,
I cannot sleep for the jet lag and had to check how you were. I cannot believe this is now happening. It is very early Monday morning and I can only think about how many hours away Tuesday is. I wish you peace of mind. And I am with Sheila...go and break something...with gusto, and anger.

Thinking of you my dear, dear friend during this horrible time of waiting and anxiety.

Love,
Mervat.

Qwerty said...

Oh, dearest Kayleigh... You are in my thoughts and prayers!! You have endured so much, and I don't know how you still manage to get out of bed every day. All I know is that you are made of stronger stuff than most people, and you inspire me.

Sending you lots of love and positive thoughts........

Anonymous said...

Kayleigh,

I am so sorry to hear of this new development. I am a recent survivor of a primary cancer in my lung...surgery and radiation treatments. You are so courageous and strong to deal with all of this. My heart goes out to you...especially the waiting and wondering? It seems that even the best docs can't always tell what these nodules are at first and it is exhausting not to have the answers to our questions? Let's hope the pulmonologist has something positive to say on Tuesday. In the meantime, I will be thinking of you and wishing only love and comfort from the universe to you.

BTW, one of my friends is a Stage IV breast cancer survivor, 14 years!

Lesa said...

Hi Kayleigh,

Just checking in again, prayers and hugs.


Lesa
Always Summer

hilal said...

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It is hard to find the right words to comfort you now right now so I wanted to let you know I am praying for you and will be thinking of you on Tuesday.

Kayleigh said...

Jane, thank you my friend – and there are no exact right words, yet knowing you want them for me and wishing me comfort is absolutely the perfect thing to say.

Lesa, you are so sweet…and I can tell you totally get it, thank you…oh, and I very much consider you a friend too :) Thanks for checking on me again, as well.

Syd! I need to go to the VB and “see” all of you, get a dose of vibes and share my gratitude for the enduring friendships. Thank you for your wisdom, and for coming here to share it when I needed it.

@ -- Jane, how are you? I was just thinking the other day about you…and yes, you totally made me laugh! Thanks, I needed that :)

Sunny…that’s very encouraging to hear about you mom, it DOES help. Thank you so much for sharing that with me.

Tessa, thank you so much – I kept sort of chanting that in my mind, “just be you, just be you” – it really helped.

Brenda – oh my, it IS hard, huh? And it hasn’t gotten much easier w/time, not yet anyway. But I hope it will, for both of us. Thank you for your kindness and prayers.

Sheila – wow, what a GREAT idea!!! And not for nothing, but for some reason the image of you smashing a Christmas ball w/a hammer totally cracked me up, lol. Thank you :)

Hastyfar…your comment made me wish I could reach thru the computer and give you a giant hug…knowing that you too have endured your share of suffering and that you can still offer me compassion and remind me to think of the good things (like VB love!) is so generous of you. Thank you.

Steph…thank you, that means so much to me. You have been an inspiration and a great source of wisdom – I always come away from your blog with something to think about.

Coder ann – so many familiar VB friends coming here makes me so happy, touches me so deeply. Thank you so very much for your love & care.

Anonymous – thank you! It’s so heartening to see well wishes from people around the world.

notSupermum…it has been hard, but believe me, you HAVE helped. You are always so supportive, always there for me – I can’t begin to tell you how much that really does help. You make me feel less alone -- thank you for that.

Horshack – old friend, thank you so much for your wishes…especially the ones for sanity and tenacity, gosh that really spoke to me and I needed those, big time.

Imogen -- Please know that I am thinking all good thoughts for you and your family and wishing w/all my might that everything is fine with your son. Thank you SO much for taking the time to come here and wish me well in the midst of your own crisis…you are so very kind.

Vikingirl…thank you so much, your wishes are deeply touching. It’s so nice to see all my old VB friends and feel that magical love – I appreciate it more than I can say.

Mervat – thank you dear friend for your never ending compassion and understanding. You are a dear, dear woman and I am SO grateful to know you. I can’t imagine getting thru this journey without lovely souls like you.

Qwerty…You are very kind…and if I have such strength I can tell you a huge bunch of it comes from all those who support me and offer me their kindness, like you and the other commentors – so I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Anonymous – wow, you are amazing, I am honored by you coming here and offering me your encouragement and sharing your story. I am so glad you are done w/treatment…and I thank you for sharing your friend’s story w/me too. May we both continue to heal. Much love to you.

hilal…those are exactly the right words and I thank you for your comforting thoughts.

Again – huge giant heaps of thanks to all...and much love!!!