Secret Agent Mama

Thought I'd give you all an update on how Daniel is doing -- he is fine, in fact, he's better than fine. He is happy, affectionate and cuddly, very playful, still a demanding little guy but a joyful loving boy. There's been a few incidence of him wanting to see my ta-tas...but he hasn't asked to nurse, nor have I been solicited into nursing anymore dinosaurs.

But I will tell you a secret...I am still nursing him a little here and there, only he doesn't know it. How is that possible? I do it at night, covertly, while he sleeps.

Both my kids and I co-sleep (remember, I'm THAT crunchy granola mom) and both Meggie in her day and Daniel in his would frequently nurse in their sleep. I always obliged. In fact, Megan was a preemie and nursed every two hours for the first two years of her life. Yes, you read that correctly. Thankfully, lactating moms have happy hormones that help with sleep deprivation (well, to some extent, anyway, lol).

When I started to wean Daniel after my diagnosis it went quicker than I thought, both to my deep relief and great sorrow. For a while I was still pumping a little milk in some vague hope that I could return to nursing him at a future point in time. I know now that will be impossible. Even if I manage to escape chemo I will have to take drugs to shut down my ovaries and still more drugs to suppress any stray estrogen left...for at least five years. These medications are contraindicated in breastfeeding. I can't begin to tell you how hard this still is for me to accept...words fail.

Assuming for the moment I am lucky and don't need chemo I can wait until around October to start the ovarian ablation & Arimidex. So I could still be nursing Daniel all that time. But of course to start him up again now only to take it away later would be cruel to say the least.

And so at night, sometimes, I nurse him as he sleeps. I don't do it every night because I don't want to create any sort of pattern he might come to depend on. But a few times a week I indulge us both. I imagine that in his sweet little baby dreams he knows...I swear that on some subconscious level he feels the love I have for him pouring out in these last, precious drops of mother's milk....my secret gift. To us both.