Hurry up and wait

I had these pictures from last Sunday and was planning to post them today. I decided why not – we are happy and beautiful and maybe if I can focus on that, even if for just a few seconds here and there, than it will help with the waiting.

The waiting – argh, yet another round of hurry up and wait with our lovely American medical system…been here before. I got an appointment for the needle biopsy, the first step before the surgical one, for two weeks from now. TWO WEEKS? I will need a truckload of tranquilizers to get thru two weeks.

The good news, well, relatively speaking, is that the results from the needle biopsy will be had in 2-3 business days…so once I get the appointment I’ll know when I will know…something.

So my task for today is to make phone calls, to find somewhere to take me sooner. Like yesterday would be good, lol.

I cannot say it enough, how much all your support and well wishes have meant to me and my family. My DH thinks you all are the best bunch of folks ever (me too!!!!) Thank you really does seem so small, but it will have to do. Thank you.

I will keep updating in some manner, promise.

Bad mammogram

I found a lump in my breast a week ago, then two more the next day.

Today I had a mammogram and ultrasound. This picture of me was taken before I left. I had DH take it because I believed I would be told that the lumps were some sort of plugged milk duct (am still nursing my 2yo) or perhaps a cyst. They are neither. This picture was taken before I knew that. Before I was told that I would need a biopsy and surgery -- the lumps are large enough that they must be removed, regardless of what the needle biopsy says, and further biopsied once they are.

I know that this could very well turn out to be nothing. I'm hopeful that will be the case. I'm visualizing coming back here in a few weeks and saying, wow, that felt like a close one, but yay it was only...

But I'm also thinking of all the possibilities for the worst -- who wouldn't? I have young children. My baby, he's two but he's still my baby, is still nursing, still..my children need their mom to be healthy and around for years and years to come. I know that I sound dramatic. I know what I would say to someone who was going thru this. I would tell them that these things turn out to be nothing more often than people realize. I also know sometimes they don't. In 2007 my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. She's been doing well, but it's been, well, you know.

I'm sorry to be so morose. I am feeling very morose. Maybe I shouldn't post this but I'm going to. I don't know when or how I will be posting here -- I do promise to check in and keep everyone updated. And I've written a whooooole bunch of poems so I'll have some stuff for the other blogs no doubt. Kinda wish I didn't. Writer's block doesn't sound so bad to me now.

All about me

Tag, I'm it!

The lovely and talented Mervat from the clever blog, The Writing Instinct, has tagged me. Here's how it goes:

1. Respond and rework. Answer the questions on your blog, replace one question you dislike with a question of your own invention; add a question of your own.

2. Tag eight other un-tagged people.

What is your current obsession?

Blogging :)

Good fika place? (That would be coffee to us non-Swedes)

My dining table, first thing in the morning. All the better if I can manage to get up before the kids & DH and be alone with my notebook and pen in front of me, waiting to see what thoughts pop into my head, drinking coffee and staring out my window.

Do you nap a lot? No, if I nap I have trouble falling asleep at night…I am prone to insomnia.

Who was the last person you hugged? My children, both at once, while sitting with them on the sofa watching Thomas the Train.

What’s for dinner? Chickpeas w/spinach, tomatoes and garlic, maybe over brown rice -- it was delish :)

What was the last thing you bought? Aside from food, a waterproof tote bag for my books

What are you listening to right now?

The sound of my kids gleefully running back and forth from one end of the house to the other, getting their ya-ya's out before bedtime.

What is your favourite weather?

I like it cool, early spring or fall, and I like gray days – not rainy, just soft gray. Everything looks brighter against a gray sky.

What’s on your bedside table?

I don’t have a bedside table, but there are bookshelves nearby. On top is a glass bowl filled with bracelets, an alarm clock & sound machine, and a mirror resting against the wall. The shelves are filled with books.

Say something to the person/s who tagged you.

Mervat, I’m enjoying getting to know you via your blogs SOOO much! Your writing is so rich and layered, and I keep poking around and reading back posts, always finding lovely little gems. Thanks for tagging me :)

If you could have a house totally paid for, fully furnished anywhere in the world, where would you want it to be?

That’s tough. It would probably be in Wellfleet or Truro, Cape Cod MA, but I could see living in a small city too, some sort of brownstone or townhouse in a quaint neighborhood.

Favorite vacation spot? Cape Cod, see above.

Name the things you can’t live without.

Well, my DH & kids aren’t things, but I sure couldn’t live without them. In terms of objects…books, my computer, cardigans, coffee, white wine, valerian, chocolate, chocolate, chocolate, oh, and chocolate. Did I mention chocolate?

What would you like to have in your hands right now? A finished manuscript for my first novel!

What is your favourite tea flavour?

I go through phases with flavors, but my all time fave is regular run of the mill Tetley with lots of milk and sugar the way my grandmother used to make it for me. Although now I use soymilk and Stevia.

What would you like to get rid of? All the residual clutter in my basement, anxiety, and about 10 lbs.

If you could go anywhere in the world for the next hour, where would you go? Truthfully? For an hour I would just like a glass of wine and either some alone time with my husband, or with my computer to write ;)

What did you want to become as a child?

I commented on this topic on another blog (the blue kimono) recently, but I do remember wanting to “make books” as a child and writing down little stories. I would fold them up into booklets and make construction paper covers for them. I wish I still had them.

What do you miss? (This is Belette Rouge's question)

Being able to experience empty silence, without anxiety.

What are you reading right now? I’m almost done with a novel by Roxana Robinson, “This is my Daughter” and I also have been skipping around in a couple books on writing.

What do you fear the most? (Andrea’s question)

I'm a thrombophiliac, so I fear having a stroke and being incapacitated. I don't fear death, much, but I don't like the idea of being an invalid, or not being able to pursue my passions, or most of all not being essentially "me".

This is the one I (Kayleigh) changed: What piece of clothing would you most like to own that you don’t have?

I would like to have comfortable, non-leather, turquoise blue wedge platform sandals. That or the perfect green, cotton, short-sleeved cardigan for summer.

Admit one thing you feel awful about. Once you have written it down, you are no longer allowed to feel bad. My (Mervat's) question

Since I can’t feel bad about it once I write it, I’ll choose something fairly innocuous. I had to reschedule a doctor’s appointment and did it at a time usually reserved for one on one time with my daughter. I’ll make it up to her, so I should stop feeling bad about it…right….now!

Here’s my (Kayleigh’s) added question: What have you let go of?

My own answer: perfection.



I tag the following bloggers, though I can't say for sure they haven't already been tagged at least to my immediate knowledge at the very minute I write this, they haven't been:

Shallow Coffee, notSupermum, Udarata Kella, Style Klutz , My Shenanigans , I need a makeover , Already Pretty, Africana 's Wardrobe Diary

Rainy Days and Mondays

Ok, I know it's not Monday -- but I took these pictures yesterday, so it still counts. They are both bad pictures of a good coat, so I'm hoping that the two added together will equal one decent view.

The trench was bought at Target last summer, off the clearance rack for about 15 bucks or so. It is a lovely peachy coral color -- the blurry picture is more true to the real color than the clear shot w/the flash.

There's something very cheerful about a bright trench like this on a dark rainy day...helps you remember that pretty spring flowers need those torrential April showers. Plus, I'm very easy to spot -- no chance of me getting lost in the fog, lol!

The umbrella was from Target too, and the waterproof tote bag is from Borders (where the rest of my money goes that doesn't get spent at Target, lol!)

Have a peachy keen day -- see ya tomorrow!

Just in time

Egads, busy day, very late to get this posted!

Right after we snapped this photo the torrential downpours let loose -- and it's supposed to continue until late tomorrow. My timing was good, tho, because I managed to get to the market and back, AND lug in all the groceries first. Oh, and I got the mail, too. A perfect (and dry) trifecta :D

The blouse is from Kohls and I love, love, love the watery blue & green colors. The cardigan is from NY&Co, the jeans from Target and the plum Sofft Maryjanes are secondhand.

Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend replete with perfect timing!!!

PS: Busy day coming on Monday, might not get a picture up until Tuesday. See ya then :D

Why am I here?

A recent post over at the thought provoking blog, “the blue kimono”, really struck me. The delightful Sallymandy posed the seemingly simple question, “Why do people post photos of their clothing?” What struck me in particular was that I didn’t really have a clear answer at first, yet I’ve been doing just that for almost 5 months now.

I guess my own answer to Sallymandy’s question all started with, believe it or not, watching an episode of “What Not To Wear”. I’d been aware of the show’s existence prior, but never actually seen it. I had made assumptions about it, though…it was sexist, mean, touted unrealistic ideals of beauty, focused too much on women’s appearances and there was quite enough of that already, etc. I've blogged about how I lost alot of weight a few times before. Yet I still didn’t always feel so hot about how I looked. Suffice is to say my body image was severely out of whack and the last thing I needed was some stupid show to make me feel worse!

However, when I happened to watch the program I found something unexpected. Bottom line -- they didn’t really criticize the person’s body, just how they’d been dressing it, how they presented it. And it wasn’t about trends or keeping up with fads, it wasn’t about being some slave to fashion. It was actually the opposite, it was about making a woman’s own particular body look good, celebrating her positive features and making her feel better about her appearance, which inevitably made her feel better about herself.

It may sound grandiose, but it seemed to me that dressing well could be an act of empowerment, and it belonged to every woman, no matter her size, age or wallet capacity.

That was HUGE for me.

Size didn’t matter, fit did. My body is what it is, and it was bound to change throughout my life anyway…all of our bodies change, our appearance is never static. I just needed to find the most flattering clothes for my individual shape and I could take some control over what I saw in the mirror. Whether we like it or not we each make a statement about ourselves based on how we appear, without even saying a word. Unless we live in a cave, that matters. It's not about being perfect or matching some arbitrary ideal. It's about attitude and reflections. How we present ourselves speaks volumes about how we feel and what kind of person we are. The good news is the impression we make is actually up to us.

So, the journey began. During the course of this process I discovered blogs, blogs by real women with real (and beautiful) bodies, wearing real clothes. They inspired me more than words can express. They continue to do so, every day – and I know for every one of them there are dozens more inspirational women out there finding strength in expressing themselves via their clothing choices in a world that can, sadly, twist that act into something negative…yet they, each in their own way, keep it real and beautiful.

I realized that if I could gain all of that from some TV show and a handful of blogs that maybe others could benefit from seeing me go through my particular journey, knowing that I am just like them, a regular woman with “flaws” and body issues, just trying to dress myself to my best advantage as an act of self-love and empowerment.

And so here I am.

I want to deeply thank the wonderful Sallymandy for making me really think about all this and find some clarity for myself. What a great, poignant question she posed...there are no doubt many possible answers…each as diverse as the lovely mosaic of women’s individual styles.

Blizzard!!!

Ha, made ya look -- April Fool's!

It's nice and sunny, no snow in the forecast :)

This gray Croft & Barrow shirt from Kohls is more of a winter one, so it's the last time I'll probably wear it till the fall. Spring is sometimes bittersweet, you have to say goodbye to seasonal clothing you've come to rely on frequently.

The aqua cardigan is from NY&Co, the pin was from an Etsy destash purchase and the heart locket was a gift from my mother.

The jeans are Target, the gray Maryjane Franco Sarto pumps are secondhand.

I hope everyone has a great day -- and that's no foolin :)