I have breast cancer

I know little else. The doctor phoned half an hour ago, said it was bad news, it was carcinoma.

DH went and got the report from her (she's just down the road a bit) and in looking at it now few if any words are familiar from my minimal research. There are phrases like "Infiltrating Mammary Carcinoma" and "Pseudolactational hyperplasia is focally present". They sound important, informative, but I don't know they mean.

We are making phone calls. Things are being faxed. Appointments will follow.

I am in shock. We are all in shock. Right now all I care about is living for my babies. My babies, dear God.

Okay, I can't write anymore. I'm sorry.

I'll post when I can.

Still no news, just thoughts

Of course there's no news, it's Sunday. Tomorrow should be the day.

Believe it or not, today I am rather calm, relatively speaking. I have been preparing myself a little for the various possibilities, the different types of results, researching kinds of breast cancer diagnosis as well as benign conditions. I think facing it a little has actually helped. Don't get me wrong, I'm still capable of sheer terror at the drop of a hat, but I have some nanoseconds of clarity mixed in here and there

For most of this loooooong month I didn't want to know anything specific about cancer possibilities -- just picture me with my fingers in my ears going "la, la, la, la, la, I can't hear you!" But by nature (once I get past major anxiety) I am a researcher, a seeker...I like to know things. So eventually that curious side of my brain finally kicked in and I've begun to learn a little. Mind you, it's a smattering of surface info at this point, but at least perhaps I'll understand some basic terminology if I need to.

All this is to say that I've come to realize this may not necessarily be a good news vs. bad news scenario. Like alot of things in life (most in fact) there's much gray area here. Naturally I'm hoping with every fiber of my being for the pure white glory of something totally benign. But I do also sincerely doubt it would be the complete opposite, like the utter blackness of "you have only months to live." I feel pretty good so that seems unlikely to me, intuitively speaking, you know?

As to that whole huge area in between those two polar opposite possibilities? We'll see. Some of it sounds like a brief ordeal in the scheme of life that could be endured with a secure happy ending, some of it not so much. Shades of gray.

So, these are my rambling thoughts on a Sunday...the day before knowing something.

DH and I went out, we ate, we drank red wine, we shopped (not in that order, lol) and we laughed some. I haven't cried as much today.

Oh, and it was also in the 90's here -- hot as midsummer! Thus the flowy summer outfit. I decided to take a picture, just because.

Finally, I want to end this post with heaps of gratitude. I cannot sufficiently express, there are no words big or grand or adequate enough to convey my deep thankfulness to everyone who has virtually held my hand through this long ordeal. My heart is full.

I will post tomorrow as soon as I know. Till then.....

UPDATE: No news

No news yet.

Let me say that reading all of your comments to my last post had me laughing -- something I SOOO much needed...thank you, deeply from the bottom of my heart! Each and every one of you is priceless.

The biopsy itself was not that bad...at least what I can remember clearly -- I used my Xanax, shall we say, liberally. My breast hurts a little, but it's not even enough to take pain meds, and trust me, I'm a baby so it really isn't bad.


TMI WARNING AHEAD FOR THE SQUEAMISH:


(What is a little painful and also rather disturbing is that I have to pump & dump the milk from that breast both in order to preserve my supply and to make sure I don't get engorged. But because of what they did the milk is mixed with blood -- to the point it looks like I'm pumping blood. It's not a pleasant sight emotionally.)


OK, END OF TMI --- THE SQUEAMISH MAY NOW CONTINUE READING:


Unfortunately in my Xanax induced haze I asked some questions. I should have left them unasked and continuted in the "distraction & denial" approach. The reason there is this degree of concern over the lumps is that not only are they definitively not cysts but they are irregular shaped -- generally not a good sign.

I wish I didn't know that.

I asked the doctor several times, like a ridiculous amount of times, "but they could still be benign, right?" to which she SLOWLY replied they could, yes. But each and every time she also hastened to add that it was VERY important for them to be treated seriously because of their shape, blah, blah, blah.

So, either she was trying to prepare me for the worst, or she was afraid that if this initial biopsy showed them as benign I wouldn't follow up and have them removed and further biopsied.

As if.

Where am I at now? I am hanging out in sweats, watching TV with the kids, eating all kinds of junk food and taking Xanax to sleep. And yes, crying on and off. DH is waiting on me hand and foot, taking the kids outside when I've had enough and generally being the amazing saint he already is.

I will post the minute I hear ANYTHING -- but I'm thinking now it probably won't be till Monday.

Wish I could wrap my arms around each and every one of you and give you all a big fat hug, thanks again for all the wonderfully witty, cute and utterly loving comments yesterday. Keep those collective fingers crossed.

Call me Bitch for luck

Tomorrow is biopsy day.

It's more than very doubtful that I'll find out any info...but I'm still a nervous wreck. I suffer from anxiety attacks, albeit infrequently now, but medical procedures are practically a guaranteed trigger. I've got my trusty Xanax for the event, but in the meantime I'm on edge.

Which brings me to the strange post title.

See, when DH and I were going thru infertility there were lots of medical tests and procedures on the course of that journey that, if I described them to you, would sound like sadistic torture methods designed by an evil, and misogynistic, enemy dictator.

Perhaps I'm weird, but sometimes when on the verge of tears all it takes is a nice gesture, like a sympathetic look or the squeeze of my hand, and that sends me completely over the edge into uncontrollable crying.

On one of our many long drives to NYC for a torture session, er, I mean fertility doc appt, DH was being very sweet to me, trying to offer comfort and make me feel better. I was on the edge, ready to burst into tears any second, and so I screamed at him, "Stop being so damn nice to me, will ya!" To which, my mild mannered and gentle-hearted husband replied, without missing a single beat,

"Okay, Bitch."

I turned to look at him, hardly believing my ears, and he was grinning at me with a twinkle in his eye. I burst out laughing. It was just what I needed.

Since then, whenever I've had to face something big and anxiety provoking that joke has become our private way of being supportive, a loving shorthand.

So, my blogger friends, I need all the help I can get now. Call me Bitch for luck, okay?


PS: I may not post again until Friday...but I will certainly post if I find something out before then, rest assured. Allegedly the results will be available by sometime on Monday at the latest.

On waiting

I discovered the first lump late at night on April 1st, the second & third lumps the next day. I was a little anxious, but yet I really did mostly believe it was nothing at that point. Still, I showed up on my doctor's doorstep when her office staff got there the next day, April 2nd, not even wanting to bother with the phone in order to get a prescription for a mammogram ASAP.

However "ASAP" is a relative term, medically speaking.

The soonest appointment for the mammogram (and subsequent ultrasound) that I could get was a week later. The rest, if you've been reading this blog, is history.

By the time this is over it will have taken 4 weeks, almost a month from discovering the lumps till getting the initial biopsy results. A month. A flippin' MONTH!!!

Time = torture.

No one, no woman should have to go thru this kind of waiting for an answer to a question like this. A week, maybe even 10 days to allow for a reasonable amount of bureaucracy...but this, this is beyond ridiculous. And the sad thing is I live in a metropolitan area and we have great medical coverage. I can only imagine what other women might go thru who don't have my advantages.

This is a crime.

I have no pithy ending for this little rant, no clever wisdom. I'm just really, really tired and really, really stressed and really, really want answers.

In the meantime, as if I have a choice, I am hanging on.

Will post on biopsy day, Wednesday, till then....

Distraction and denial

I have a doctor appt today, nothing big, just going to my regular doc to pick up the biopsy prescription. Even still I'm really nervous. She'll no doubt do an exam and I'm just afraid she'll feel something that somehow indicates the news won't end up being good -- not very realistic, I know, but at the moment I'm in a mode of denial and I'd like to safely stay that way until it's totally over and I have the final results. I have an active enough imagination.

Anyway, after the appt I will be in MUCH need of distraction in order to slip back into said denial, so we may go out to eat (and drink) -- Mom's watching the kids again.

And further continuing in my on going pursuit of distraction: did my hair curly and felt up to putting a wee bit of effort into choosing an outfit. I've never worn the jacket before on the blog, it's from (where else) Target and I bought it last year.

Thanks again (and again & again) to everyone for being so loving and supportive -- it's more help than you can imagine.

See ya Monday.

Style during stressful times

Before we went out on Sunday I had DH snap a photo. I almost didn't, but my daughter asked me why we haven't been taking pix and I really didn't have an answer for her. Then I got to thinking about how style has been the last thing on my mind...and thus this post was born.

My mother comes up nearly every Sunday to watch the kids for a precious few hours so DH and I can go out. Since DH is home I can take my time getting ready without kids clamoring for my attention. On a typical lazy Sunday morning, cup of tea in hand, there’s a pleasant feeling when staring into the closet and thinking about what I shall wear. The possibilities are open to me and the day ahead is fresh and still unspent.

Needless to say I’ve had a lot on my mind and fashion hasn’t been at the forefront of my thoughts. So this Sunday was a bit different. I barely looked into my closet and quickly grabbed a top, then a cardigan, with very little consideration.

The point is this: even tho I put practically no thought into what I threw on my back, when I looked in the mirror I actually looked fine, none the worse for wear. This made me realize my wardrobe works pretty well, and when need be, effortlessly so.

My outfits are simple and practical, perhaps not always adventurous but they do match my casual lifestyle. The shapes and colors are basically flattering and all of it seems to go together, very mix and match.

I now have a wardrobe that functions for me when I can’t possibly deal with thinking about clothes.

How often in life do we get crazy busy or majorly distracted? I remember other times when it was a struggle to figure out what to wear during those stressful periods, and the last thing one needs when under duress is more struggle. This was so much nicer, a moment of calm; of needed mindlessness.

I guess what I’m driving at is that this is yet another way developing a personal style can impact our lives. I feel pretty crappy, but it’s nice to not add to that by also feeling like I totally look it. And when navigating the stressful times in life, every little bit helps.

Yet another discovery on this journey.

Thanks for listening…see ya soon!

Update: keep on keeping on

Good Monday morning, I hope everyone that celebrates it had a lovely Easter weekend. DH and I went out Sunday as usual, my mother watched the kids. A few places were open so we had lunch and went to Borders.

We spent last Friday trying to get me a sooner appointment for the needle biopsy -- so far to no avail. I've got two more places to try...but it's not looking good.

Two weeks wait it is then.

If you'd asked me last Thursday or Friday if I could make it that long I would have thought you were nuts and probably lapsed into hysterical crying, again. But over the weekend I grew marginally more calm and resigned. I'm still crying at the drop of a hat, but it's at least a little bit less over the edge.

For the meantime I'm going to keep as busy as I feel like, write what and when I feel like (kids depending) and generally hang on as best I can till the 22nd. It's now less than 10 days away, meaning I could have the preliminary results by Friday the 25th, worst case scenario the following Monday the 28th.

I can do this, right?

Hurry up and wait

I had these pictures from last Sunday and was planning to post them today. I decided why not – we are happy and beautiful and maybe if I can focus on that, even if for just a few seconds here and there, than it will help with the waiting.

The waiting – argh, yet another round of hurry up and wait with our lovely American medical system…been here before. I got an appointment for the needle biopsy, the first step before the surgical one, for two weeks from now. TWO WEEKS? I will need a truckload of tranquilizers to get thru two weeks.

The good news, well, relatively speaking, is that the results from the needle biopsy will be had in 2-3 business days…so once I get the appointment I’ll know when I will know…something.

So my task for today is to make phone calls, to find somewhere to take me sooner. Like yesterday would be good, lol.

I cannot say it enough, how much all your support and well wishes have meant to me and my family. My DH thinks you all are the best bunch of folks ever (me too!!!!) Thank you really does seem so small, but it will have to do. Thank you.

I will keep updating in some manner, promise.

Bad mammogram

I found a lump in my breast a week ago, then two more the next day.

Today I had a mammogram and ultrasound. This picture of me was taken before I left. I had DH take it because I believed I would be told that the lumps were some sort of plugged milk duct (am still nursing my 2yo) or perhaps a cyst. They are neither. This picture was taken before I knew that. Before I was told that I would need a biopsy and surgery -- the lumps are large enough that they must be removed, regardless of what the needle biopsy says, and further biopsied once they are.

I know that this could very well turn out to be nothing. I'm hopeful that will be the case. I'm visualizing coming back here in a few weeks and saying, wow, that felt like a close one, but yay it was only...

But I'm also thinking of all the possibilities for the worst -- who wouldn't? I have young children. My baby, he's two but he's still my baby, is still nursing, still..my children need their mom to be healthy and around for years and years to come. I know that I sound dramatic. I know what I would say to someone who was going thru this. I would tell them that these things turn out to be nothing more often than people realize. I also know sometimes they don't. In 2007 my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. She's been doing well, but it's been, well, you know.

I'm sorry to be so morose. I am feeling very morose. Maybe I shouldn't post this but I'm going to. I don't know when or how I will be posting here -- I do promise to check in and keep everyone updated. And I've written a whooooole bunch of poems so I'll have some stuff for the other blogs no doubt. Kinda wish I didn't. Writer's block doesn't sound so bad to me now.