Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Bad mammogram

I found a lump in my breast a week ago, then two more the next day.

Today I had a mammogram and ultrasound. This picture of me was taken before I left. I had DH take it because I believed I would be told that the lumps were some sort of plugged milk duct (am still nursing my 2yo) or perhaps a cyst. They are neither. This picture was taken before I knew that. Before I was told that I would need a biopsy and surgery -- the lumps are large enough that they must be removed, regardless of what the needle biopsy says, and further biopsied once they are.

I know that this could very well turn out to be nothing. I'm hopeful that will be the case. I'm visualizing coming back here in a few weeks and saying, wow, that felt like a close one, but yay it was only...

But I'm also thinking of all the possibilities for the worst -- who wouldn't? I have young children. My baby, he's two but he's still my baby, is still nursing, children need their mom to be healthy and around for years and years to come. I know that I sound dramatic. I know what I would say to someone who was going thru this. I would tell them that these things turn out to be nothing more often than people realize. I also know sometimes they don't. In 2007 my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. She's been doing well, but it's been, well, you know.

I'm sorry to be so morose. I am feeling very morose. Maybe I shouldn't post this but I'm going to. I don't know when or how I will be posting here -- I do promise to check in and keep everyone updated. And I've written a whooooole bunch of poems so I'll have some stuff for the other blogs no doubt. Kinda wish I didn't. Writer's block doesn't sound so bad to me now.


Mervat said...

Dear Kayleigh, I truely hope and pray for you and your family that this is nothing sinister. I know it is hard when you will hear people say 'keep positive' etc. I know also that you cannot help but think of the what if's. Please do whatever you need to do to get you through this stressful period. I think it is important to express how worried you are. Do not hold onto that worry. Express it and God willing we can look back on this and say phew.

Much love to you and your family.

sallymandy said...

Kayleigh, I agree with everything Mervat said. You are not being morose or overly fearful. Anyone in your situation would wonder the very same things, including me. I'm so sorry for your anxiety, though. I hope you'll let us know whenever you have some news.

Sending lots of love your way,


~Tessa~Scoffs said...

My sister had the same exact situation as you after her very first mammogram. It thankfully turned out to be nothing. I am saying a special prayer for you this weekend.

The WalMart Vegan said...

Bless your heart. My family and I will add you to our prayers.

My elderly neighbor always used a wonderful word of encouragement.

Hope for the better and pray for the best.

I'm doing both for you!

Nic Ridley said...

Wow! We will be praying for you! I hope it turns out to be nothing!

*Diane* said...

Kayleigh, first of all *hug* i'm so sorry! To be going thru this must be tough. You're not being morose, i'm pretty sure anyone in a similar situation would be feeling the same way. I'll keep you and your family in my prayers!
Here's to hoping this turns out to be nothing.
*hug again*

Unknown said...

I am so sad to hear of your feeling down. I know how frightening these things can be -- my mother discovered a lump in her breast a couple of years ago. It turned out to be nothing, but I remember how scared and confused we all were.

I am praying for a good result for you and sending you loads of good vibes that it will turn out to be nothing. I hope you are doing okay and hanging in there. Please let us know a.s.a.p how things are going with you.

Sending you peaceful and healing vibes ...

Cassie said...

I'm so sorry to hear about all of this, I will definitely keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Stay positive and strong!

Hillary said...

Oh Kayleigh, I am so sorry to hear this. You and your family are in my prayers. I know you must have amillion questions swarming through your head. You're such a strong person, please just habg in there. I am hoping everything will turn out okay. Sending you much love, Hillary

Sheila said...

Oh my gosh, hon, you must be reeling. Please keep us updated and know that you have love and support from your online "family". Sending you strong good vibes and wishing you strength and grace.


Jean said...

Oh Kayleigh, you see this is where a hug comes in handy. I want to give you a big bear hug, and tell you that you're in my thoughts and I'll be saying a prayer for you. You can contact me if you want to vent - notsupermum at hotmail dot com. Be as morose as you like, really, if it helps that's fine. xx

Kasmira said...

You are so brave to share this with us. I join the others in wishing you good health.

Jane said...

I will pray for you.
I know how you feel. When my nine-year-old was two I was diagnosed with a melanoma on my leg. I thought everything you did and nothing anyone said helped.
After it was taken out I was told it was in a pre-cancerous state and all I have left now is a nasty scar on my thigh.
Take comfort in your loved ones. We mothers always fear the worst. I think it is nature's way of making us prepare for all possibilities. However, things are rarely as black as the thoughts you have.
Please, please know that there people out there who are thinking of you and hoping for the best.

Kayleigh said...

Tears are streaming down my face. Thank you, each and every one of you, all of your words...every single one, truly, means so much to me -- I can't even begin to tell you.

Today I am trying to get my appts, it's hurry up and wait. The waiting is agony, there's no sugar coating it. I cry and cry. There's little else for me to do at this point. I'm trying to keep busy. Kids are good for that :)

I love you all, you do really feel like a branch of my family. Thank you from the depths of my heart.

Sal said...

Kayleigh, oh honey. I know so many women who've had scares, and had one myself earlier this year. I can't blame you at all for being scared, but don't let yourself get TOO upset until you know what's going on. You've taken action, the doctors will look after you, and you're gonna be JUST FINE.

Please keep us updated, OK? Much love for you, lady.

SL said...

I'm a lurker on your blog (just check in with fashion blogs for ideas now and then; I'm a weight loss blogger myself), but had to come out of lurkdom to wish you well and let you know you're in my thoughts (all very positive thoughts) and prayers. When I went through a difficult time a few years ago, I really could FEEL the positive energy/prayers enveloping me. I hope the same for you!

Kendra said...

Hey Kayleigh,

I just wanted to check in and see how you were doing. I don't comment much, but I check your blog everyday. I have checked like 6 times already today, hoping to see an update about how you are.

You're in my thoughts and prayers for lots of positive outcome and attitude!

-- Kendra

Chuck Dilmore said...

we are
but your readers
your admirers

but we have glimpsed
the end of this story:
you have already won
you will conquer

despite the challenges ahead
we can tell by your character
that you are lit from the inside, and
you will conquer

we are with you
no matter how steep or dusty the trail
you are loved and we will watch for you


Autumn said...

I'm thinking of you. <3

Kayleigh said...

Sherre -- I'm so glad you came out of lurkdom, thank you for your kindness.

LeeHovey, oh, thank you, you are sweet.

Chuck, your kind, thoughtful words here and at my other two blogs are deeply appreciated, very touching. Thank you.

Autumn, so nice to "see" you, thank you for the thoughtfulness.

And one more time to everyone who has commented and left me such beautiful, heartfelt wishes...thank you, thank you, thank you! It means so much, words actually fail me (and that says alot right there!)

Kayleigh said...

I wanted to thank all of you personally for your words of support...they got me thru a VERY tough day, don't know what I would have done with out them:

Mervat, thank you so much for your thoughtfulness, and your advice is so sage – I’ve decided you are right, I should keep right on expressing myself, about even this.

sallymandy, thank you…it’s nice to hear you think anyone would feel this way, makes me feel less desperate. I appreciate your kindness.

Thank you, Tessa, that is so good to hear! Thank you for your prayers.

Modest Mom, that’s such a nice saying, thank you for sharing it and for your prayers.

Thanks so much, nic, me too!!!

Diane, thank you for the virtual hug, I’ll take all I can get. Thank you for your lovely kindness and prayers.

Anchibride, thank you for sharing that about your mom, I’m glad it was nothing…for you, of course, and because it gives me hope too.

Shenanigans, thank you for your thoughts and prayers, I’m trying to stay positive and people like you help.

Hillary, thank you so much for your support and understanding, and for the love…very comforting to me now.

Sheila, reeling is a VERY good word, yes, that’s what I’ve been doing exactly. And you also pegged it right about all of you being like a family to me. Thank you so much for your understanding and your vibes & wishes – all of it mean a great deal to me.

NotSupermum, bless you and thank you for all your loving thoughts and the big hug. It’s nice to know I’ve someone to be morose to…I just may take you up on that, lol.

Kasmira, thanks so much…don’t feel very brave right now but it’s nice to hear someone thinks I am.

Oh Jane, I can imagine how scary that was, and you clearly get where I am coming from…we mothers do always fear the worst, don’t we? Thank you for the comforting thoughts and prayers. It means a lot.

Thanks and hugs back to each and every one of you!

La Belette Rouge said...

Oh, dear,Kayleigh , I am so sorry I have been MIA and then I come back to see this. I am commenting quickly as I want to get more recent posts to see your latest news. Hugs and love and all good thoughts to you. xo