Friday, July 3, 2009
We’ve all probably heard various episodes of life described as being like a roller coaster ride, maybe even used the phrase ourselves at one time or another. Whether it be something positive or negative, many situations lend themselves aptly to that metaphor. You have building anticipation as the ride begins, then a sudden, rapid plunge to frightening depths only to be contrasted with the giddiness of soaring heights...there's speed, swift turns and twists, terror and elation all wrapped up into one extreme ride.
I went back and read all my blog posts since finding the lumps in my breast that have turned out to be cancer. This is clearly one of the wildest roller coaster rides I’ve ever been on. From one post to the next I am up, down and twisted inside out. I found posts where I seemed determined, brave, calm -- even humorous…and then in the very next entry I was plumbing the depths of near inconsolable despair – practically all in the same week. Understandable, of course, but nonetheless striking when you see it all laid out in front of you.
I seem to have reached a little plateau now as I wait for my surgery day. This is not to say I'm even keeled emotionally, just that I am bracing for what comes next. I can see there is a huge, sharp turn ahead and I know after that the car will plunge down faster & further than ever before. I also know that if for no other reason than the fact that what goes down must come back up, I will not crash when I hit bottom, at least not this time. Slowly, at a snails pace perhaps, the tracks will again climb the steep upward summit and who knows what will happen after that.
Hmmm, a loop-de-loop, perhaps?
Meanwhile as the anticipation builds I vacillate between moments of prepared resolve and complete panic-fueled doubt. I could second guess my second guesses right now.
I can't help but wonder, out of curiosity, what an outside observer thinks as they read my little but growing collection of posts on this subject...what over all impression they get from the big picture thus far. Even reading all the posts in order of their occurrence I find it hard to follow a common emotional thread, but then again I’m not very objective. I see things I wish I’d done differently, said differently, felt differently – not regret, just the birds eye view of hindsight.
In years ahead when I come back to this chronicle I wonder what will strike me then…what will I wince at, what will make me cry, what will perhaps even make me laugh. I wish I could fast forward right now, to skip the scary part. But I can’t. Instead I have to just hold on tight for dear life, maybe close my eyes sometimes…scream at the top of my lungs when I can't help it, and wait for the ride to end…or at least to get to the fun part again. I just have to hang on the best I can.
I hope all that celebrate it have a happy Fourth of July. Thanks for coming along on this ride with me, it's always so much nicer to have a hand to hold when things get crazy and the readers of this blog have blessed me with many, loving hands.