Saturday, July 25, 2009

This is it -- maybe..no..wait, yes, ok -- well, maybe


This may be my last entry before surgery. I am going to the Big Hospital as planned Monday morning but depending on what occurs with the doctors before I hop up onto the operating table I may say no thank you.

Yeah, nothing like deciding at the VERY last possible minute, huh?

An interesting phone call last night made it all clear to me that this was okay to do. A woman from surgical admissions called to confirm my arrival time and, well, one thing led to another...she seemed like a caring soul, I was vulnerable...so I unburdened myself, explaining my dilemma between the two hospitals and the two teams of docs, the whole enchilada. I asked her how badly I would mess things up if I canceled at literally the last minute. Her answer was true gold, the kind of thing that you carry with you forever: "You will not mess anything up, this is all about you. You need to do whatever it takes to heal."

Goddesses walk amongst us.

So, if I don't put up a new blog post by Monday evening that means I decided it was a go and will have the mastectomy at Big Hospital.

If that be the case, until I am home again and well enough to resume blogging Michael will post updates in the comments section of this entry. You may not hear anything for a few days as he and my mother will have their hands full between the kids and me. But hopefully he'll be able to put at least a few words up by Tuesday sometime.

I had planned to say a few things that were important to me....so here they are:

From the start of this blog I have been gratified by the goodness of my readers. As a new, fledgling wardrobe diary of sorts I received encouragement and advice from a whole bunch of lovely women right from the beginning. As this blog broadened and I ended up starting two more, I “met” other bloggers with varied talents and interests…so many amazing people have crossed my path because of this little corner of the blogosphere.

But perhaps most deeply touching is the support I have received since the very first moment I blogged about finding the lumps in my breast. All three of my blogs became an emotional lifeline in different ways.

My poetry blog became a place to reflect the deep pain I was experiencing dealing with my cancer diagnosis, the kind of emotions it’s hard to put into traditional words. You can say things differently in poetry, paint pictures with language in a different format. Poems can pour out like tears or tumble like giggles…they can throb with pain or gasp with joy. I am blessed to have a space for my ruminations and people to read them.

Ironically I was wondering what direction the narrative arc of my novel-in-progress would take, what would be the catalyst for change with either Kate or Nola…then it became all too clear that Kate would also be diagnosed with breast cancer. Her journey and feelings about it are often vastly different than mine, surprisingly, but it has been personally cathartic to explore how something like this effects not just one person but a family that unlike mine is already in turmoil. I look forward to returning after my own surgical saga to see how it inspires Kate’s choices and find out what happens to young Nola…and even Graham, too.

Last, but by no means least, that brings me back to this blog.

I originally chose the name "Fashionably Later" because I felt that as a middle aged woman it was a bit later in life for a renewed interest in style --but I wanted to celebrate that. I’ve been a late bloomer in some other areas of my life, too. I married Michael at 30, had my kids at 38 & 43. I also felt that I had found my voice after a lot of lost years due to various life circumstances. I once regretted…in fact mourned, all that forsaken time. But I have come to realize that time is what it is…and everything that has happened or not happened contributed to me becoming the woman I am with the life I have. I kinda like me and I love my life...so I’m okay with being fashionably late…or later as the case may be.

Sharing the whole breast cancer journey here has been invaluable in so many ways. I have been supported, loved, advised, cared for and enlightened by my readers, both regulars and lurkers. The comments and emails are precious to me, even tho I’ve hardly had time to respond – I read them all. I believe in my heart that the decisions I’ve made and my very fate in this fight have been a result of having this place to come and write, of having my little audience of dear readers to listen to me. You’ve been my compassionate sounding board and cheering section…and even those of you that are quietly in the background wishing me well have contributed – I feel your presence too.

Of course some of you have become dear friends to me, always there to buoy my spirits or just extend a virtual hug. To you I offer my deepest gratitude…you’ve touched my life immeasurably.

Thank you to every single reader of all my blogs. I feel connected to you all and my family and I will carry your warmth and strength with us as I soon step into the next chapter.

Till then...see ya!

PS: gee, now that I've gone all gushy it will be really anticlimactic if I postpone the surgery, huh? I'll have to come up with another swan song and everything :) Oh well, lol...

PPS: snapped a pic before the day was over, thought I should have one up since it might be the last one for a while.

42 comments:

Ally said...

Hugs, thoughts, prayers, and everything going your way.

kiltsnquilts said...

I am de-lurking to say I will be thinking of you tomorrow, whatever you decide to do. I have been moved by your story and only started reading your blog when you were part way into your latest journey. Before I started reading blogs, I never imagined I could feel emotion for someone I had never met or spoken to - but it happens. Although you may not feel it now, I think you sound strong, and I know you are brave. But, it's ok not to be strong and brave all the time.

Thinking of you.

Brenda said...

I'll be thinking about you on Monday. . hoping to hear from your husband soon.

Imogen Lamport said...

Well, I'm hoping and wishing that everything goes really well with your surgery.

And as far as Fashionably Later - who says that style is only for the young? Not me - style is egalitarian and for every age. It's all about you - and that's what matters.

hugs.

pamsterish said...

You go girl!!!

Will you designate a VB buddy before Monday?

JJ said...

Good luck. I'll be sending you lots of positive thoughts.

Enci said...

Thinking of you and sending you lots of good vibes!
from NCfarmgirl

Chuck Dilmore said...

it's been a journey
the Getting To Know you
and beautiful to feel we are part of you, Kayleigh.

i think it's poetic
that you may decide yes/no
the day of the surgery...
you *should* trust your instincts.

turning up the Good Vibes
tomorrow, and all week long.

peace & love from afar
but from right next door~
Chuck

Sheila said...

I'll be thinking of you regardless, Kayleigh! Wishing you the best vibes and good luck. When you feel that squeeze on your hand, it's all those people who care about you. Looking forward to updates.

Hug,
Sheila

Anusha said...

"Goddesses walk amongst us"

Yes they do ... and you are one of them! ;o)

It's funny, even though you've posted this on the eve of your surgery, I can sense hope and optimism in a big way, and I have to tell you that really made my day! So now we're all waiting here impatiently till you get back to us.

My husband and I both send you loads of good wishes for healing and recovery, and also a renewed sense of joy and looking forward to the future! That's what he and I are working through and doing right now, as well, and he told me how he always valued your comments on my blog and thought about you and what you were going through.

Whatever you decide, the nurse was right: it IS about you, and no-one else. It's your health, your life, your future.

Hey, I made this rad vegan soup yesterday and thought about you! I will post it in my blog (recipe) so that when you get back you can make it too, if you'd like, and see what you think.

Sending you vibes of good luck and enhanced intuition so that you can make the best choice for you when the time comes for it.

And ... we'll SEE YOU SOON!!! ^__^

Hillary said...

Sending you positive thoughts and powerful prayers.

Steph H said...

I'll be thinking of you!

My Shenanigans said...

I'll be sure to keep you in my prayers!! Good luck, no matter the choice you make!

Karen said...

Kayleigh, I've been waiting and waiting for this day for you. I wish you love and pray that God annoints your surgeon's hands during surgery.

Please Michael, be the next writer on this blog!
Love, Karen

sallymandy said...

Oh, dear. I have tears in my eyes for you. Once again you wrote so clearly from the heart, K. I'm going to think about you all day tomorrow. It hits me hard that as you go into this decision, you're writing to US to thank US. You are the one doing the hard thing. Sending out much love and support. Sallymandy

The Small Fabric Of My Life said...

I am thinking of you today and wishing you all the very best in the world.
Thank you for sharing your world.
Janex

Anonymous said...

Good luck. Sending you healing vibes!

pksarna said...

All my love to you Kayleigh. I'm thinking of you and holding you in my prayers as you traverse this cancerous terrain. I'm not in your boat, per say, but I am in the care taking of a loved (and all too young) one with cancer. We're going to get through this. I hope everything went well this morning.

lots of love, from the dear vb,
W&W

WendyB said...

Sending warm wishes your way!

Laurie said...

Still sending you love and light and will continue to do so until further notice!!!

{{{{{{Kayleigh and Family}}}}}}}}

Laurie from the VB

Kari said...

Lots of healing & comforting thoughts to you and your family.

Wendy said...

Thinking of you, Kayleigh, and surrounding you with healing light.

IslandReb said...

The entire VB is thinking of you yesterday and today, Kayleigh. There are indeed goddesses among us. Please be well and comfortable. And do not, I repeat, do not deny yourself the drugs. :) IslandReb

Karen said...

Oh hubby, we are waiting for a report from you!!!! How is Kayleigh doing????? Oh please give us some peace!

~Tessa~Scoffs said...

Sorry to be so late in commenting. Hope all is well.

Karuna4 said...

Kayleigh dear, I'm thinking of you all the time. And offering feelings, events, actions for you.
You are a strong woman and a beautiful heart. Take all you need in every way; just heal.
(((((((((Kayleigh))))))))))

Melanie from the VB said...

We're all worried about you.... we hope to see an update soon and we're still sending vibes!

Mervat said...

Dear, dear K I hope and pray that all went well for you. You are one strong, vibrant and inspirational soul and I cannot wait to hear from you again, soon.

Love and hugs to you, Hubby, your mother and your gorgeous children.

Stay safe.

xxoo

Karen said...

Getting worried...I pray Michael's just busy tending to your every need....

Kayleigh said...

This is Michael, I'm sorry it has taken me so long to comment. It's been a rough road.

I brought her home today and she is feeling very sick so I only have a minute. But she insisted I comment.

The surgery itself went ok. Her NAC is still there but some of it and the skin on her breast is looking "iffy". Only time will tell.

Most importantly it looks like the lymph nodes are clear. The first tests came back clean and in a week we'll have the final one.

They got all the cancer.

She's had a tough time but all in all everyone is pleased with how she's coming along and she was discharged today.

I will update again tomorrow. Again, sorry ti took so long. I never left the hospital to come home.

Thank you very much for all your prayers. They mean alot to us.

Kristen said...

Thank you so much for the update. Prayers and good thoughts sent to her and your entire family.

Karuna4 said...

Michael, Thank you for the update! Many many many people thinking, praying, doing all sorts of things for our much-loved Kayleigh.

Kayleigh, when you're all up to it and everything, you'll read all of these posts maybe, and then you'll know that I brought you with me to Reiki today. And these words came to mind:

Words about Kayleigh:
goddess
warrior
winner
health
strength
loving mother
much-loved
wonderful wife
healer
mommy
happy
pretty
strong

Love, Karuna

sallymandy said...

Thank you Michael for the update. Please tell Kayleigh how many of us are with her in spirit. I'm relieved that it's "over."

Chuck Dilmore said...

thank you, Michael!

as always
our best prayers
and energies to your family.

peace.love.chuck

kiltsnquilts said...

Thank you for taking the time to update us, I am sure it was the last thing you felt like doing! Wishing you all the strength you will need for the journey ahead.

Imogen Lamport said...

Wishing Kayleigh a speedy recovery.

Rosie from the VB said...

Thank you for the update, Michael. We're keeping Kayleigh and you in our thoughts and prayers.

evanadine said...

sending prayers out to you and your family.

Sheila said...

Thanks for the update! Thinking of you, Kayleigh, and wishing you the best!

Good vibes!
Hug,
Sheila

~Tessa~Scoffs said...

Michael: What wonderful news! Blessings and love to you and your family. Looking forward to future posts from Kayleigh.

notSupermum said...

Michael, great news. Thanks for the update.

K, I was on holiday on Monday, the day of your surgery, and although you weren't sure if it would go ahead I was still thinking of you. I was actually sitting on a beach in Wales mid-afternoon on a lovely sunny day, and thought it might be breakfast time with you, and I closed my eyes and wished you well.

I'm so pleased with the news that you are doing so well. Much love to you K, and your wonderful family. x

Mervat said...

Thank you Michael for taking the time to reassure us that Kayleigh at least got through the initial part. Wishing Kayleigh continual recovery blessings.

xo