Monday, July 6, 2009

One more last ditch effort...

…to save at least some of my breast. Well, sort of.

Yeah, I know, you were thinking I was all done with that. Not so much, apparently. See, here’s the thing…according to everything I’ve read there are a lot of false positives on MRIs. Yet that’s what we’re basing the final scale tip towards having a mastectomy on. It is possible that the suspicious lesions are nothing to be suspicious about at all and I just have my three original tumors. It’s possible they are all cancer, too. But I don’t like that question mark hanging over my head.

So I’m seeing the doctor one more time to discuss doing a core needle biopsy on these lesions. If they are cancerous and located far away from my other tumors then clearly I’ve made the right decision and that’s all there is to it. But if they are benign, or even if they are malignant but are close to the original three…then there’s some further discussion.

I’m not hopeful so much as determined to rid myself of as much ambiguity as possible. I might end up right back where I am, mastectomy bound. That’s fine…well, okay, not fine exactly but you know what I mean. No harm, no foul. I will be going under the knife in a couple weeks knowing there was nothing else I could do, or as close to that as is reasonably achievable. That would be a better feeling than what I have now.

Of course it’s also possible my case will never be as black & white as I’d like. I may always be left with a shade of gray and have to make my peace with it. If so I’ll learn to accept that and move on. But if I don’t have to, or if I could be a little more certain in any way, then I need to pursue it. Information is power, both in decision-making and reaching acceptance.

So, maybe don’t wish me luck; just wish me clarity…either way that would be the best possible outcome.

11 comments:

~Tessa~Scoffs said...

I wish you clarity -- and the best possible outcome. Do something for yourself today. A completely spoiled and selfish something.

notSupermum said...

Good luck bitch.....oh, no hang on, I wish you clarity, bitch. Is that better ;-)

Kayleigh said...

Tessa -- thanks so much...and good advice! Gee, hmmmm, does taking a long shower and getting a chance to shave my legs count, lol? That's about all I've got ;)

notSupermum -- LMAO!!! You are just too funny :D Thanks for making me laugh!

La Belette Rouge said...

With all my heart I wish you clarity and the best outcome possible. Buy yourself something totally bitchin'
( that is me trying to combine NSM and Tessa's comment;-).

Brenda said...

its all so complicated. . . I hope you can get some clarity, from what I understand sometimes they don't know for sure until they actually get in there. I just prefer the lumpectumy route to avoid so much surgery. (even though I would LOVE a tummy tuck!)

Sheila said...

Of course you should explore every possibility! Otherwise you would always wonder "what if".

I wish you balance, like when you're riding the bus and you stand up when the bus is still moving and you almost surf while you stand at the door and wait for the bus to stop and the door to open. Surf the changes, and ride the waves - never let them ride you!

Paint your toenails a crazy colour!

Kayleigh said...

La Belette, thanks...hmmm, something bitchin, huh? Suddenly I have the urge to go skateboarding (as if!) :D

Brenda...yes, complicated indeed! And I agree with the less is more view in terms of surgery. In fact, if I do have a mastectomy one of the main reasons I want them to make my new breast look like the other one is so that I don't require a lift on the remaining breast -- the less done to me the better.

Sheila, that's exactly it, the dreaded "what ifs" would haunt me. And what a great visual, love the metaphor!

Thanks all :)

sallymandy said...

Kayleigh: Right in the first paragraph of your post I was thinking, go for it Kayleigh, get all the info you possibly can so later you'll have no doubt--or as little as humanly possible. I really applaud you for working through your feelings as they come up and making these reasoned decisions too. What an incredibly overwhelming thing you are faced with...yet, you need your head on straight and you are doing a wonderful job. I'm so inspired by this.

I agree with Tessa: major spoiling is in order. Like gorgeous post-op clothes...shoes...?

Love, Sallymandy

Chuck Dilmore said...

i bestow Clarity upon thee.

in exchange, it would be nice to know
if ever you will officially require us
to call you a bitch, again.

notSupermum started it!
and that was fun for all, a couple moons ago!
("Chuck, do you always need permission to call someone a bitch?)

Utah Savage said...

I too am here to wish you clarity.

Mervat said...

Wishing you (and the doctors) clarity, so there are no regrets and no what-could-have-beens post-op. And may you have a long, hot, relaxing shower and a good leg shave!