This is it -- maybe..no..wait, yes, ok -- well, maybe

This may be my last entry before surgery. I am going to the Big Hospital as planned Monday morning but depending on what occurs with the doctors before I hop up onto the operating table I may say no thank you.

Yeah, nothing like deciding at the VERY last possible minute, huh?

An interesting phone call last night made it all clear to me that this was okay to do. A woman from surgical admissions called to confirm my arrival time and, well, one thing led to another...she seemed like a caring soul, I was vulnerable...so I unburdened myself, explaining my dilemma between the two hospitals and the two teams of docs, the whole enchilada. I asked her how badly I would mess things up if I canceled at literally the last minute. Her answer was true gold, the kind of thing that you carry with you forever: "You will not mess anything up, this is all about you. You need to do whatever it takes to heal."

Goddesses walk amongst us.

So, if I don't put up a new blog post by Monday evening that means I decided it was a go and will have the mastectomy at Big Hospital.

If that be the case, until I am home again and well enough to resume blogging Michael will post updates in the comments section of this entry. You may not hear anything for a few days as he and my mother will have their hands full between the kids and me. But hopefully he'll be able to put at least a few words up by Tuesday sometime.

I had planned to say a few things that were important to me....so here they are:

From the start of this blog I have been gratified by the goodness of my readers. As a new, fledgling wardrobe diary of sorts I received encouragement and advice from a whole bunch of lovely women right from the beginning. As this blog broadened and I ended up starting two more, I “met” other bloggers with varied talents and interests…so many amazing people have crossed my path because of this little corner of the blogosphere.

But perhaps most deeply touching is the support I have received since the very first moment I blogged about finding the lumps in my breast. All three of my blogs became an emotional lifeline in different ways.

My poetry blog became a place to reflect the deep pain I was experiencing dealing with my cancer diagnosis, the kind of emotions it’s hard to put into traditional words. You can say things differently in poetry, paint pictures with language in a different format. Poems can pour out like tears or tumble like giggles…they can throb with pain or gasp with joy. I am blessed to have a space for my ruminations and people to read them.

Ironically I was wondering what direction the narrative arc of my novel-in-progress would take, what would be the catalyst for change with either Kate or Nola…then it became all too clear that Kate would also be diagnosed with breast cancer. Her journey and feelings about it are often vastly different than mine, surprisingly, but it has been personally cathartic to explore how something like this effects not just one person but a family that unlike mine is already in turmoil. I look forward to returning after my own surgical saga to see how it inspires Kate’s choices and find out what happens to young Nola…and even Graham, too.

Last, but by no means least, that brings me back to this blog.

I originally chose the name "Fashionably Later" because I felt that as a middle aged woman it was a bit later in life for a renewed interest in style --but I wanted to celebrate that. I’ve been a late bloomer in some other areas of my life, too. I married Michael at 30, had my kids at 38 & 43. I also felt that I had found my voice after a lot of lost years due to various life circumstances. I once regretted…in fact mourned, all that forsaken time. But I have come to realize that time is what it is…and everything that has happened or not happened contributed to me becoming the woman I am with the life I have. I kinda like me and I love my life...so I’m okay with being fashionably late…or later as the case may be.

Sharing the whole breast cancer journey here has been invaluable in so many ways. I have been supported, loved, advised, cared for and enlightened by my readers, both regulars and lurkers. The comments and emails are precious to me, even tho I’ve hardly had time to respond – I read them all. I believe in my heart that the decisions I’ve made and my very fate in this fight have been a result of having this place to come and write, of having my little audience of dear readers to listen to me. You’ve been my compassionate sounding board and cheering section…and even those of you that are quietly in the background wishing me well have contributed – I feel your presence too.

Of course some of you have become dear friends to me, always there to buoy my spirits or just extend a virtual hug. To you I offer my deepest gratitude…you’ve touched my life immeasurably.

Thank you to every single reader of all my blogs. I feel connected to you all and my family and I will carry your warmth and strength with us as I soon step into the next chapter.

Till then...see ya!

PS: gee, now that I've gone all gushy it will be really anticlimactic if I postpone the surgery, huh? I'll have to come up with another swan song and everything :) Oh well, lol...

PPS: snapped a pic before the day was over, thought I should have one up since it might be the last one for a while.