Sunday, April 26, 2009

Still no news, just thoughts

Of course there's no news, it's Sunday. Tomorrow should be the day.

Believe it or not, today I am rather calm, relatively speaking. I have been preparing myself a little for the various possibilities, the different types of results, researching kinds of breast cancer diagnosis as well as benign conditions. I think facing it a little has actually helped. Don't get me wrong, I'm still capable of sheer terror at the drop of a hat, but I have some nanoseconds of clarity mixed in here and there

For most of this loooooong month I didn't want to know anything specific about cancer possibilities -- just picture me with my fingers in my ears going "la, la, la, la, la, I can't hear you!" But by nature (once I get past major anxiety) I am a researcher, a seeker...I like to know things. So eventually that curious side of my brain finally kicked in and I've begun to learn a little. Mind you, it's a smattering of surface info at this point, but at least perhaps I'll understand some basic terminology if I need to.

All this is to say that I've come to realize this may not necessarily be a good news vs. bad news scenario. Like alot of things in life (most in fact) there's much gray area here. Naturally I'm hoping with every fiber of my being for the pure white glory of something totally benign. But I do also sincerely doubt it would be the complete opposite, like the utter blackness of "you have only months to live." I feel pretty good so that seems unlikely to me, intuitively speaking, you know?

As to that whole huge area in between those two polar opposite possibilities? We'll see. Some of it sounds like a brief ordeal in the scheme of life that could be endured with a secure happy ending, some of it not so much. Shades of gray.

So, these are my rambling thoughts on a Sunday...the day before knowing something.

DH and I went out, we ate, we drank red wine, we shopped (not in that order, lol) and we laughed some. I haven't cried as much today.

Oh, and it was also in the 90's here -- hot as midsummer! Thus the flowy summer outfit. I decided to take a picture, just because.

Finally, I want to end this post with heaps of gratitude. I cannot sufficiently express, there are no words big or grand or adequate enough to convey my deep thankfulness to everyone who has virtually held my hand through this long ordeal. My heart is full.

I will post tomorrow as soon as I know. Till then.....


Mervat said...

You, my dear, are now armed with a valueable resource: Perspective. If you have this on board then you have the best ammunition to fight whatever it is that may (or may not) come your way. You will be fine, regardless, as you have the knowledge and strength to conquer all.

God bless.

Sheila said...

Keeping an eye out for news and hoping for the best (or the lightest possible shade of gray, you know that shade that's really unflattering on most people?).

Hang in there, darlin'. Thinking of you.

Hillary said...

Good thoughts are going your way.

Jean said...

A virtual hug is winging it's way to you - praying for good things for you dear Kayleigh. x

Anonymous said...

I believe everything happens for a reason, even if at the time we cannot understand why 'him upstairs' is shovelling 'shit' on us. In time, as we look back everything becomes clearer in understanding. And hey! Without the rain sometimes, the sun on his own cannot make a rainbow.Plus roses need manure to help them grow.Adding my strength to yours.

BTW You dropped by my place and left some lovely comments on my 'babies'. Thanking you.My 'babies' thank you too!

*Diane* said...

*Big Hug and a prayer to you Kayleigh*