Monday, April 27, 2009

breast cancer updates

I still have it -- sorry, lame.

This is what I know: It is invasive, that's what "infiltrating" meant, as I feared. It means that the cancer has already grown beyond the layer of cells where it started.

Best case scenario right now would be for the cancer to still be remaining in the breast only, not spread beyond into the lymph nodes.

Second best scenario would be that if it did spread to the lymph nodes it didn't go anywhere else in my body.

I don't know if there is a third best scenario, what it would be, nor do I want to know at this point.

Other things I need to know are is it ductal or lobular (ductal would be WAY better) it estrogen receptive (don't want that***) and the other thing I don't want is for it to be HER2.

***(I've since learned that being estrogen receptive is actually better, FYI)

At least I think.

Much of the answers I need will come after surgical biopsy, some with MRI, Cat Scans, bloodwork.

I have a few appointments. There are two kinds of oncologists, one is medical, one is surgical. I have appts w/both kinds, a couple of each, all between the 8th and 15th.

Incidentally, my husband and mother have been doing all the phone calls and appt making, I've been doing the Googling. I am mostly in accomplishment mode, not thinking beyond the tasks at hand.

My 7 1/2 yo daughter knows everything, she's been talked to about the possibilities all along. She is an angel and a trooper and so amazing I can't even put it into words. She takes such good care of her little brother, always, not just now. We call her "Mamacita" meaning little mother, because she's been like a second mother to him since the day he was born.

Heck with it, I'm tired of saying DD, DS, & DH -- my daughter is Megan, my son is Daniel and my husband is Michael.

What gets me most right now is Daniel. He's only 2 1/2, he still nurses. There's little doubt there will be chemo involved, I will have to wean him, ASAP. Everyone keeps saying that he'll be fine, he's older than most, yada, yada. See, I practice Attachment Parenting, I believe in child directed weaning. (yes, I'm one of those devoted crunchy granola moms)...I know in the scheme of all this weaning him seems minor, but to me it is heartbreaking. Every time I think of telling him no, of refusing him...

I've got to change the subject.

All of your thoughts, wishes and prayers have meant so much to me, I just felt like coming here and updating. Some of this might make little sense, but it's what I've got.

I will try to keep may be sporadic or it may be prolific, I honestly can't tell right now how I'll feel from one minute to the next.

Thanks for being here.


Mervat said...

As a mum who breastfed each of my children for at least 18 months I understand the difficulties in refusing your child what has been his all his life and I sympathise with you my dear.

Write as often or as little as you can. We will all be here for you. I just wish I could be near you to help in some way.

All my love and prayers for a healthy outcome.

Mervat said...

Kayleigh, I have just re-read your last two posts about half a dozen times and one thing I want to add is that, with every fibre of my being, I know everything will be OK. Please, believe that too.

~Tessa~Scoffs said...

Dearest dearest Kayleigh. My prayers are with you and your sweet little family at this very difficult time. About weaning Daniel: Just so you know I'm not one of those "OMG you're still nursing a 2 1/2 year old" types, I do attachment parenting also and I let my kids wean themselves at about 2 years old. I know it is hard to think about "cutting him off" at this difficult time (for him AND for you) but he's probably very resilient (for the exact reason you've fostered such a close nursing relationship this long).
I don't know how long before you need surgery or chemo or both but Little Guy is not too small to learn empathy. By saying that I mean that although he wants to still nurse you can tell him "mommy doesn't feel good now, let's just cuddle." Get him a little doctor kit for when you're feeling low...they LOVE to help mommy feel better. Blessing to you and you're in my prayers until further notice...Love, "Tessa"

Trace said...

Oh K. I am so sorry. I am praying for you. I don't know what to say. I have three close family friends who have had breast cancer in the last 5 years, ALL three of them are in remission and doing so amazingly well. Not that that will make you feel better, but thought I'd tell you anyway. No matter if you update or not, we will all be thinking of you!!! Sending tons of love and hugs your way!!!

Cassie said...

Kayleigh, I am so incredibly sorry. I know it sounds hokey, but I can't help but always try to look on the bright side. I know where is the bright side right!? The good news is that you caught it, and that they know what it is and how to treat it. I have no idea why, but I think that God likes to test us all. I believe this is a test that you will pass with grace, strength, and pure elegance. You are clearly a wonderful woman, and if nothing else this will make you even more wonderful (if even possible). I will keep you and your family in my prayers, keep your head high, and hopes even higher!

Mervat said...

Kayleigh, there is a wonderful blog from a brave woman which you may like to check out:

If you check out her blog in general you can see that life with cancer indeed does go on.


La Belette Rouge said...

I wish I could say anything to make this just this a little bit easier only I can't. I can say that I am so sorry you are having to deal with this and that I love you and I am hoping will all my heart and soul that the good news starts coming in. We are all here and we all love you and you can't post too much or too little.Huge hugs and lots of love.xoxo

sallymandy said...

Dearest Kayleigh, I've been thinking about you all day since you posted the results of your test this morning. My heart is with you. If I could say something that would ease your mind at all, I'd say it over and over. I'm going to keep following what's going on with you, and I'm going to pay better attention to what I'm eating for my own health, and be more diligent about breast exams. I'm so sorry, dear friend.

Jane said...

Kayliegh, I prayed for you last night and woke thinking about you. I agree with Mervat - I feel positive for you.
I brestfed my 4 but had to wean my now 14-year-old abruptly when he was 15 months as I was rushed into hospital with an ectopic pregnancy. I was shocked at the time but grateful that medical intervention saved my life and that I had been able to nurse him for as long as I did.
You have nursed your little boy for longer than most and it will stand him in good stead for the future.
Sending some more

Jean said...

Dear, dear Kayleigh, I've been thinking about since yesterday's post. I just wish I could chat to you, and listen, hold your hand and tell you that everything will be ok. You have a loving supportive family, and about a zillion bloggers praying for good things for you.

It's good that you are busy googling - you must be able to ask the 'right' questions when you see your oncologists. Write them down too, I always go blank when I want to ask questions and forgot some of them and come out kicking myself that I forgot to ask 'the one'.

Could you send me your email address again? You can contact me on notsupermum (at) hotmail (dot) com. I'd really appreciate that if you get a chance.

Much love to you K, you really are an amazing woman. x

Sal said...

Sending you all my love and hope and big BIG hugs.

Anonymous said...

There isn't much I can say that hasn't already been said, but know that I'm rooting for you. I'll keep you and your family in my prayers.

The WalMart Vegan said...

My heart is breaking for you.
We're still praying for you.

I know it isn't the same, but I do want to add some words of encouragement. My dad had stage 4 lymphoma when his cancer was found. The doctor was not overly optimistic, but after six months of treatments he was pronounced cancer free. Anyway, I just want to let you know that he is sure that it was prayers and positive thoughts that helped keep him going and ultimately healed him.

Don't hesitate to lean on us or vent to us -- we may just be "cyber" friends, but we're here for you.

Kayleigh said...

I cannot thank you all enough for your support...but most of all for the understanding of my grief over weaning Daniel. That touched me so much, made me feel so much less alone in mourning that amongst all the other things I will no doubt lose.

Thank you doesn't begin to cover it.

Bless each and every one of you, and my gratitude is huge.